By Jeff Kenney
Journal, Part III:
-Saturday, 3:00 pm: Reading Mahoney’s “Prayer of the Heart,” I am struck by the similarities, really, between Eastern Orthodox Christianity i.e. the Desert Fathers, and far Eastern Taoist and Zen traditions. Arsenius hears God tell him, “Arsenius, flee, keep silence, remain tranquil; these are the roots of impeccability.” How like a Taoist sage, or Zen master! But the difference of having a Divine Authority telling us to “remain tranquil” adds a different dimension, perhaps. If we can get past our ingrained fear of displeasing the Lord – a Lord we have come to be very frightened of! – then perhaps the differences would be even less. But somehow it seems to me there’s still a vast difference in having someone with divine authority – in having our life and death enshrined in the commandment to “DO THIS.”
The book points out that separating from men and society spatially, externally, and physically, was not an end in itself, and was not suggested because all of society is evil. All of this reading, of course, is a poor substitute for DOING, which is difficult!
-Saturday, 4:00 pm: I discovered a connector cable in the library amongst the tape decks for retreatant listening. Why? What purpose could it serve except to dub tapes? None! So I’m rationalizing my deed – I grabbed it, a Merton tape, and a player, and took them to my room. Then snagged some tapes from my car, which can be recorded over, and grabbed a second tape deck from the library, and am presently dubbing away. I feel pretty guilty about this, though…but why, exactly? Because it represents my materialism…my desire to take someTHING with me home, instead of seeking God here in each moment? Or is it because I took two tape players and am denying someone that second one, should they need it?
It’s not because I have qualms about dubbing them in general – they’re rather expensive to buy, and I don’t see Merton’s teachings as a COMMODITY….but maybe it’s the ‘sneakiness’ I employed in getting this whole thing set up – I guess I feel like I’m mis-using the monks, and do I really need these tapes? Heck, when would I listen to them?
My guilt is getting in the way of my prayers, plus baby-sitting the dubbing process is keeping me from leaving here! Ugh!
-Saturday, 7:20 pm: Finally felt guilty enough to go ask Fr. James for permission to dub a few tapes – took a lot of guts for some reason! But he was very gracious and said, “Sure.” So at least it’s known and I don’t feel so guilty! I had grabbed the recorder and resolved to put it away if he said no.
Off to Compline momentarily – Vespers were beautiful. I can’t get over the music…those melodies and voices somehow give an emotional and spiritual power to the songs that is comparable, for me, to the sweetest gospel, folk, or soul song! No ‘religious’ music has appealed to me so much! Gregorian chants included. I have to look for some recordings….
-Saturday, 8:30 pm: There are not many men in whose presence I have been, who strike me as being as utterly holy and wise as Fr. Kelty. I wish so many people could have been there to hear what he had to say. I thought particularly of my ex, who so much needs to hear it. He managed to make the case for Faith as the only way to avoid meaninglessness, triviality, the inevitability of despair – without sounding accusatory or vicious. Instead, it was with a deep compassion, a deep awareness of the suffering of us all….the tragedy of the death of the young, the sorrow of the faithless. He manages to convey God’s love and warmth in a way so real and concrete as to not be deniable! He manages to be humorous, witty, very intellectual and literary, and yet humble and full of compassion, mercy, and especially, a sense of our shared immortality.
“We’re all deep!” he says. “Not just, ‘Oh, she’s DEEP.’ We’re all deep. And we’re all immortal….we’re all part of a human family…what we do affects the whole family.” Talks about the pleasure of being in the womb, the pain of going into the world and leaving the womb. An analogy to death – this life is just a womb, just a prelude to the opera. Being born into the REAL life is painful (as our first birth was), but you have to go, and it’s life.
Refers to a quote from Carl Jung, saying many of his (Jung’s) patients over 35 come to him and say they lack religious meaning (in effect). Many are believers; most Protestant, a few (!) are Catholic (interesting!). Again, I wish my ex could have heard; she needed it. The horrible sadness and emptiness that her life seems to be with no faith! She would like him, would have admired and respected him and I think would have been hard-pressed to argue – would have walked away changed!
Can I get tapes of him speaking? Incredible! As I write this, I’m outside near the stations of the Cross…it’s thundering. A man is praying at Thomas Merton’s grave. Time to go in.
Thomas Merton's grave, Gethsemani
…”We’re Catholics,” says Fr. Kelty. “We have our whole hearts to give in love.” I think my decision (whether or not to become Catholic) may be made.
The library has 3 or 4 of his books…none on the shelves, though. So, when home, look for books, tapes, etc., by Kelty!
-Saturday, 9:30 pm: In the library, am leafing through the book that will make good on my desire to photograph Merton’s hermitage for a friend: “On Retreat with Thomas Merton” by M. Basil Pennington. Tons of photos of the hermitage from several angles. All I should need. I’ll just order it, scan the photos, and voila! A real grace…..
Great Zen story from the book: a terrible outlaw, terrorizing villages, comes to a town where everyone has fled but a monk in a monastery. The outraged outlaw breaks down the gates of the monastery and asks the monk, “Do you know who I am? I am the one who can kill you on the spot.” The monk looks at him and replies, “Do you know who I am? I am the one who can let you kill me on the spot.” Freedom!
-Saturday, 9:40 pm: Interesting book! The library is so wonderful, and the freedom to use it! This retreat has been fantastic! Even though I should go to bed soon, to get up for Mass – oh, wait, Mass is at 10:30 am Sunday! Sheesh! Still, breakfast is 7:15 am…got to get my oatmeal!
I’m going to call (my friend) B. soon, since she’s at work – the payphone is in the visitation room, I can reach her at an 800 number –perfect! I hope I can convey a sense of the wonder of all this!
What to do tomorrow? What time to leave (wish I didn’t have to!)? Should I stop and see a friend in Indianapolis on the way up? What could I even talk about, except this?
Ah, this library (even though I’m back in my room now). I was just noticing the whole bag of Catholic apologetics books a friend loaned me, which I’d planned to get into in all my “spare time” here – haven’t touched a one!
-Saturday, 10:21 pm: In the library again, which is now empty and oh-so-silent! I am restless and moving about a lot this night, trying to make the most of my last night here – I love it here, wish I didn’t have to go. Looking at the magazines (all Catholic titles), I reflect (with some cliché!) on the meaning of retreat: renewal. To be surrounded by faith and Christian effort on all sides as I never would be in ordinary life. Of course, I also just realized how little time I’ve spent in prayer since this afternoon! I have kept this journal at my side all evening, my mind buzzing and jumping, rather exited, really. How much really good prayer have I had, and as Father James pointed out this morning, prayer is one of the main functions of a retreat, particularly here, in a place devoted greatly to prayer. Guess I’d better get down to business!
First, a side note: did call B. She was distracted, particularly since she works where she does (in the service industry). But the contrast! I’m a part of that world too, though, of course. I’ll be back there soon enough, instead of in all this stillness and joy in Christ.
Ah, another great book, though perhaps a bit much for my friend -- something to sink my teeth into: "John of the Cross for Today: The Ascent" by Susan Muto. Wow! And finally, "Christian Mysticism, the Future of a Tradition," by Harvey D. Egan. Big, fat history book of about every major Christian mystic, from St. Ignatius of Loyola through Teillhard de Chardin, including The Cloud of Unknowing, St. Teresa, John of the Cross, Merton, and lots of extras (like a chapter on psychedelic drug experiences?) along the way. Good overview of whom I ought to know and dig into! Very nice, thorough section on mysticism in the Old and New Testaments, with plenty of verses listed! Does a great job of distinguishing the varying traits of each mystic (really clarifies the difference between John of the Cross and Teresa) -- here is perhaps the most Taoist quote I've ever read from a Christian, let alone a saint, a quote I've been looking for for some time now:
"To reach satisfaction in all, desire its possession in nothing;
To come to the knowledge of all, desire the knowledge of nothing;
To come to possess all, desire the possession of nothing;
To arrive at being all, desire to be nothing."
-p. 64 of the "Collected Works" of St. John of the Cross
This great book ("Christian Mysticism") is like Cliff's Notes to mysticism...a must get!
"walk in peace", the garden path at Gethsemani
-Saturday, 11:30 pm: From my prayers for compline, in the Book of Common Prayer: "...grant that we may never forget that our common life depends upon each other's toil." Amen.
Here at Gethsemani I have seen holiness alive and amongst Christ's family -- to return to my little protestant, fundamentalist church now seems almost unthinkable!
-Sunday, 7:10am: I scribbled some notes in this journal around 3:30 am, having had a weird, very real dream. I dreamt there was some sort of great struggle going on, wherever I was, and that forces were coming to "get" many of "us" (us Christians? Us everyone?). Someone on our side was on our side in secret, and was outside distracting "them" (who were after us) so "we" could sneak away. I was in a large house, it was a sunny evening, moving towards night, and I had to go. Sitting in a chair, dozing, in full monk's clothing, was Thomas Merton, but he was an old man. Somehow, in this dream, I was under his tutelage, had known him for years. I called him, right at his side, and he was sort of startled to awaken and find me. I tearfully told him I had to go and wouldn't be seeing him again, and he hugged me and bid me farewell, but he was not as devastated as I -- he was calm.
I felt a sense of great loss, but I snuck on out, avoiding being seen by "them," the back way. I wound up on a street alongside the lake shore -- probably in my hometown -- full of nice cottages, etc., and saw a small child, too young to speak...maybe about one year old, in one of those orange, plastic toy cars they push along with their feet. It was falling off of a high porch and I ran to catch it. It bounced once before I could catch it, and then I caught the child, and its parents sauntered out nonchalantly -- that's all I can remember of the dream.
I woke up feeling very odd, wondering what it meant; then, in the hazy thought process of 3am, wondering if Merton's appearance had some significance here, as if he'd visited or something! That's twice now I've awakened at 3:30 am, and while still pondering the dream, the vigil bells rang, and I was almost frightened by the reality of the spirit world in those moments....fell back to sleep then and can't recall any other dreams.
Go on to the Journal, Part IV...