Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

Click here for weekly archives

9/23/2001
and now for a post about dating/boys/whateveryouwantocallit.

some of my friends are all into the "playing the field" mentality. not like, one night stands or anything like that...just more of dating around and the whole process of elimination thing. while i think this is a valid way to go about finding what you like and don't like, i have come to the conclusion that this isn't the route i'm going to take (well, as long as it's up to me..a lot of times i say what i am and am not going to do, and then...i go and do it.)

for whatever reason, i've been thinking about Relationships quite a bit this week. i'm not sure if it has to do with simply being a female at age 21 who's only dated once, (and even then it wasn't much of a relationship), or if maybe God is trying to get me ready for something (someone?) that may be coming. i was thinking about how...well, let me share an experience. this is somewhat personal, and i'm a little afraid to post this here being that my mom probably reads this as well as my good friends and who knows who else...but oh well.

for a lack of a better word, i had a "vision" this week.
the kind where you're eyes are open, and you're aware of your surroundings, but you still sort of "see" a different scene happening. some people might call it daydreaming, but it was different.
anyway. the vision.
it was of me on my wedding day, standing across from the faceless groom. holding hands, locking eyes. (yeah..i know he had no face, but you know what i mean.) we took deep breaths and said, "this is it. we're doing this."
and in that moment, i felt something i honestly don't believe i've ever felt before.
it's what made this more than a daydream.
bear with me as i try to describe the feelings i felt in that moment.
i wasn't afraid. in any other marriage scenario i've ever thought about, i always get afraid.
but this time was different. this time i was ready to do this, to make this committment, to begin this new chapter...heck, new book of my life with the person standing across from me.
i was thinking about how this was the coolest thing in life i'd ever have the opportunity to do.
i was thinking about how it was one of the most intense things i'd ever felt, and how it's usually the scariest things we do that bring the biggest blessings and rewards.
it was so real.
laugh all you want. think of it as another girl daydreaming about her wedding day.
but if you knew me, you'd know this isn't something i hardly *ever* think about, which made it that much more interesting to me.
it's going to be one of those things that i'll probably never get out of my head, and then when it's my wedding, and i'm standing there looking at whoever it will be, it will be just like my vision, and for that moment, everything will be right in the world.
it will be like salvation.

this week i also decided to stop trying to make myself like other types of guys than i do just because i'm afraid of being hurt again. i decided that i'm always going to like and be attracted to a certain type, and instead of running from guys like that in fear, that i will trust God to get me one of them, and trust God to make them so they're not unstable and psycho.
and you know what? i began to breathe a bit easier.
for once i'm not looking at every single cute guy as potential.
it feels like a curse sometimes to be able to just meet a guy and know it could never happen, b/c once again i'm left still single. as much as it might not make sense to too many people, even my good friends, i'm really hoping to just not deal with the whole dating scene and just stay single until i meet who it is i am supposed to marry.
marriage is a big big deal, i know.
but i just am so not the dating type. i didn't kiss it goodbye or anything, and neither did i kiss it hello, and nor am i giving it a chance. i'd just like to pretend it doesn't even exist at all. and i suppose in my little head, it doesn't.

so if i've offended any one of the dating variety, i'm not exactly sorry...just don't take it personally. and with that, i write a letter to the guys out there.

dear guy,
just be my friend.
if we're suppose to happen, we will.
love,
-me.

i now end my dating post.
- liz r. - 9/23/2001

9/21/2001
i think this is becoming our regular friday night theme.
we all get off work between 6 and 6:30 and we then drive to lincoln, nebraska to hang out in a coffee house.
sure, omaha has coffee houses...but it doesn't have The Coffee House.
each visit is different. tonight, jill and kelly are playing cards with some random boys we met here last week and i'm in the mood to write. so i plopped down fifty cents for the internet for an hour and here i am.

i ordered a "grande" latte tonight and the guy taking my order had a freak attack.
"okay...'grande' is an evil starbucks term. do you want a single or a double?"
"double."

dear mr. coffee house man,
i hate to break it to ya, but starbucks is not the devil.
get over it.
love,
liz.
p.s. i'll still come to your coffee house.

all this anti-starbucksism is grating my nerves. i mean, really...if you're going to be anti-something...can't you find something a little more noble and worthwhile than just being against some coffee establishment?
i understand their concern that starbucks is going to show up and put them out of business...but still.

a guy not too far from me is wearing a trinity bible college sweatshirt.
i should ask if he knows adam.
but i probably won't.
because he probably doesn't.
and i mean...i threw out the box.
it's been two years. although i feel like i've basically let it go...there are still days.

one thing coffee houses should sell is notebooks and pens. for when people forget theirs. *sigh*
i might not be talking about it w/anyone else, but lately, i've been thinking that marriage might not be the worst thing that could happen to a person. i've been thinking maybe someday, i might actually like to make a committment that huge. i've been thinking that i'm really one of those most afraid-of-committment people i know. and then i also think, "who the heck would marry *me*? i bite my nails, i have crooked teeth, i have less than perfect skin, etc..."
meh. i might possibly be the most superficial person alive.
maybe i'm considerably more insecure than i think i am.
maybe i've got a huge "unable to be loved" complex. it's quite possible.

the country's Current Situation sorta brought me to this place where i really had to assess where i was/am spiritually, i realized something.
a. i suck.
b. so what.
c. god still loves me.
d. what??

this whole "god loves me" deal really confuses the crud out of me. it's something i simply have never been able to understand, even in the midst of growing up in a christian home and having a family who loves me and friends who love me, and all that.
you get "god loves you" shoved down your throat all throughout childhood and so maybe it's just that i know it so much mentally that it's never been able to transfer to really believing it.
if i was confident that he loved me, i'd be living quite differently than i currently am. we all would.
if i was secure in that kind of love...man, how different would my life really be?
i'd like to stop b/s-ing so much about everything that comes out of my mouth.
i'd like to stop passing off my opinion as some kind of divine revelation.
give me a freaking break.
i am neither as great nor as awful as i think i am.
i am nothing without him.
nothing isn't good or bad. it's just...nothing.

feeling strangely lonely.
wanting to move on, yet not wanting to forget.
for a week i loved everyone. i had at least one thing in common with everyone i saw.
and now?
now i find that i haven't changed. i'm still me, and they're still them.
and we all still cuss at each other in traffic.

it's the kind of night that makes me want to escape.
to find a place where it's just me and the night and sounds of the end of the first day of autumn.
one of the two days of the year where when it says it's 9:07, it's actually 9:07.
one of the nights when you begin to understand why the father of four picks up a pen to put down his thoughts, why the 19 year old kid picks up his guitar, why the old woman puts paint on a brush, why we all do any of whatever it is we're trying to do.
connection, perhaps.
connection.

if only i would believe what i believe.

- liz r. - 9/21/2001

9/20/2001
i got a gym membership today. why? who knows...i wasn't feeling particularly "motivated" to get one...i just thought that maybe being healthy isn't such a bad gig. i think this country's Current Situation is motivating a lot of other people as well to get out there and start being who we're supposed to be.

i know there will soon be more than plenty of opinions about the president's speech tonight, and so i suppose i'll be a part of them. more than ever, i am thanking God that i am an American. i am proud of this country and the way our people have pulled together. although i wouldn't appear to be, i'm very much a "talk is cheap" type person. i might write a lot, and i might talk a lot, but i talk very little about the super deep things in my life, about my fears, about my hopes. i also rarely tell people what they mean to me. words don't do the that kind of stuff justice. at least not to me. what does this all have to do with the fact that i'm proud that i'm american? i think it just means that currently...my thoughts about all of this are so deep inside me that they're basically impossible to express.

just know this:
i love this country.
if we're the land of opportunity, wake up b/c there's never been more opportunities than now.
- liz r. - 9/20/2001

9/18/2001
one thing you should never buy:
Arizona Mocha Latté Iced Coffee.

i had an ultra-productive lunch hour today.
i accomplished the following: scheduled dentist appointment (and if you know me, this is a big deal), payed my car insurance on time (also a big deal...third month on time in a row...maybe people really can change!), got lunch (kfc...mashed potatoes and mac n' cheese. so healthy), went to Walgreens and bought pain medication and the above mentioned disgusting iced coffee. i should stick w/good old starbucks frappucinos. i don't care if they're "the man"...they make coffee that i enjoy.

i walked out the door today to go to work, and it felt like some kind of wonderland.
that week between summer and autumn when everything is still green and the weather isn't sure what it wants to do, so it does a bit of everything, leaving you feeling like you're in some kind of time warp.

still, no feeling of time warp can keep me from thinking a million non-stop thoughts about the effects of one week ago.
i know i should be thinking about all the lost lives...and i am.
but i am also thinking of how these events will change things like music and movies and television.
i am thinking of how our country can no longer go on making movies about how it all works out in the end.
i am thinking of how there might be a lot less whining done by musicians.
i am thinking of how impossible it has to be for late night talk show hosts to find anything left to make jokes about.
i am wondering if television shows will incorporate last tuesday's events into their programs.
we all knew this would change our world, but i don't really think we'll know how far the ripple will go.

but in all of it i find i still am able to enjoy the things in this life i believe i was meant to enjoy.
the list seems short, but adequate.
family, friends, laughter, coffee, music.
put me in a smoky club with some coffee and some friends and some jokes and a good band playing, and there isn't too much else in the world that can top that.
music has been somewhat of my healer this past week.
at first i found it difficult to listen to anything...everything i tried to do had a "this is what i did before september 11" feel to it. however, i dove right back into my cds.

music that's really helped:
denison witmer - of joy and sorrow
u2 - joshua tree
radiohead - ok computer
p.o.d. - sattelite
over the rhine - good dog bad dog and films for radio
just to name a few...

go listen to some music and drink some tea or coffee of something.
life might be different, but it's still life. don't be afraid to enjoy it.

- liz r. - 9/18/2001

9/17/2001
I sit in silence, wanting to say so much, and feeling perhaps it would be better to say nothing at all. we all know what's going on in the country and world right now. let me say that while i know these perspectives will have reference to what's currently going on with this country, that i do not intend to dwell on them.

i make no promises to be cool.
i will not always (if ever) be eloquent.
i will not apologize for being passionate about life.

i watched the late show with david letterman tonight.
it might have been one of the first times since last tuesday i've allowed myself to feel much of this. watching how one of the funniest men on television has been affected by all of this and hearing his words...
nobody seems unreachable anymore.
perhaps it's unfortunate that tragedy seems to bring unity like nothing else.
but don't you feel like you can talk to just about anyone now?
i walk around town...and there's this...knowing.
whether or not we chose to be, everyone in this country is connected.
i watched dan rather cry and get choked up and i watched david letterman take his hand and hold it and cry with him.

i don't know what this all means.
i almost choose not to give it a name at all.
that way it isn't real.
but it is real.
and if you want the truth...(or my perception of it anyway)
the truth is that all of this hasn't dimmed our futures.
the truth is that opportunities have never been greater.
the truth is that if there was ever a time to pursue life and life more abundantly, that time is right now.
if there was every a time to begin to live what we say we believe, that time is right now.

anyway...
the rest of these probably won't be like this, but i think we've all got things we think about and never get to say, and the nice thing about this little thing here, is that i can say things without the voices of a million journalists opinionating the crap out of me.

fight to love.
- liz r. - 9/17/2001