Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

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9/29/2001
today was another non-day.
all the weekends for the last month or so have consisted of non-days. days which feel like they've taken you out of time and transplanted you into some kind of dull never-never land.
today couldn't decide whether or not it wanted to be the end of summer or beginning of autumn.
the deep blue sky that you only get in the later months of the year...a tree here and there deciding now is the time to turn from green to yellow.
today screamed transition. where you're so close to two things, but are in neither place.
today i found myself in benson, a small district of the north side of omaha that makes you feel like you've gone back in time to maybe the mid 1960's, except for the random tattoo and body piercing shop to bring you back to the present.
i attempted some thrift store shopping, but came out unsuccessful.
the nebraska game was on every television and radio station of every place i went today.
came home to dad watching the game on tv, mom baking peanut butter cookies.
i'm thinking that maybe today was just too bright. everything seemed so illuminated and dreamlike. everyone moving in slow-motion, almost all drivers courteous, today couldn't have been real.
the longer i go without human connection, the less real it all feels.
lately it's not enough to simply watch people.
i want to connect with them.
i hold back.
buying my assortment of post-teeth extraction foods at the store yesterday,
i wanted to say, "can you tell i had dental work done today?" to the cashier.
but she would have smiled and nodded and not cared, and so i said nothing.
i've been smiling a lot at strangers though.

sometimes, i really wish i could fly.


- liz r. - 9/29/2001


how come everyone says how great vicodin is?
it's not. it dulled the pain a bit, but didn't make me all great and loopy like everyone said it would.
got teeth yanked out today.
not exactly a pleasant experience, but i'm a good sport.
the orthodontist joked about letting me have a toy b/c i was so calm.
anyhow, as of right now i'm feeling fine, little pain, and enjoying all sorts of soft foods such as:
pureéd chicken and noodle soup, chocolate pudding, lemon jello, strawberry applesauce, vanilla ice cream, and cream of wheat.

i was thinking today...about how i really don't think i let myself get emotionally involved in the terrorist attacks. i think i kept it all at a distance, and because of that...i'm not sure i've handled all this how i should have. sure, the first couple of days were hard, but once life began to return to normal, it's like, i got over it. i mean...i didn't "get over" it...but, well, i don't know. maybe i just realized that some event in history might have an impact on my life and might change me a little bit, but God is still the only one who will really be able to change me, and the only one I can go to in order to be truly changed. so...i guess we'll see what happens.

i'm strangely awake right now. hmmm. strangely awake with nothing to say.


- liz r. - 9/29/2001

9/25/2001
miserable. that's what i am.
(commence whining)
i have two teeth that can't wait to get pulled on friday. they hurt *so* bad.
i also caught the big cold that's going around, leaving me with a headache that won't go away and a sore throat that's "doin' my head in" as my british friend would say. this must be a kicker of a cold b/c i hardly ever get sick and i got this one. blargh.

in better news - today was an excellent beginning of fall day. i'm not sure why autumn always brings the best memories. it's such a bittersweet season. i think probably b/c in remembering all of these great things, it causes us to know that they are in the past. for instance, about a half million thoughts are zooming through my brain of how things were one year ago from right now, and they're all such totally awesome memories. that i can never duplicate.
times like this make me just want to get to heaven already.

i still don't know what my deal was today, but boy was i mean to a lot of people today. especially when i told the supervisor (who frankly, isn't quite all there, or maybe is...but is so socially challenged it makes it seem like he isn't...anyway) that he needed to stop coming from across the room simply to jump in whatever conversation we were having b/c he never knew what we were talking about and always ends up making the conversation stop, thus making himself look like a fool.
this could possibly make me the devil.

wanna know something i enjoy? when i realize i can be real w/someone, even if i'm not close to them. i like it when someone kinda does something i don't expect and might even bring them off whatever pedestal i had them on, because it makes them real to me. and i can appreciate this about people.




- liz r. - 9/25/2001


this will be short.

in the news:
on friday, i am having two teeth extracted.
which probably will mean a pretty quiet weekend.
on oct. 6th, i am going to grinell, iowa to see denison witmer.
on oct. 11th, a good friend from when i went to school in north carolina is flying out here to see me. yes. flying. i am extremely excited because this trip is very significant for various reasons i won't go into right now.
in december i will be moving out to where she lives (hartsville, south carolina) to open a coffee house with her, so it will be great to see her before then and sorta get on the same page a bit.

mayor guliani (sp?) was on letterman tonight. good stuff.
i have an incredibly sore throat. guh.
my pharmacist looks like a 33 year old version of christina agulera. seriously.

also: in ways only i will understand...i have decided to stop destroying myself. it will take time and patience with myself and some extra effort, and a whole lot of help from God, but i think it can be done.

goodnight



- liz r. - 9/25/2001

9/23/2001
when was it that i began to unravel?

if i ever ask you how you're doing, i promise only to ask once.
how am i doing? how am i doing what?
ask me how i'm being.

i appreciate the way you look at me.
how the smirk in the eye and the crack of a smile can say so much.
saying, "you're an all right kid."

with my fingers on all the right keys, it becomes increasingly difficult to express this...this...hmm. see? i feel like a body in a sea of other bodies, but misplaced. honestly? i am lonely. not for bad reasons necessarily. it's that sort of lonliness where you can be in a room full of people you enjoy and still feel distanced and separated. of knowing where you're going and knowing where you've been and being totally unsure of where you are, producing the feeling of invisibility.

i probably shouldn't talk about this.





- liz r. - 9/23/2001