Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

Click here for weekly archives

10/19/2001
1:41 a.m. and we just got done watching Billy Elliot.
i really ought to be sleeping right now.
i wish there was some magical fountain of motivation i could drink from to make me get up more than a half hour before i have to leave for work so that i could do productive things like balance my checkbook, clean my room, do laundry, read books, work out, and whatever else might come up. but alas, there is no such fountain, and therefore, if i have to be to work by 12, i get up by 11.

my head feels like a cinder block resting upon my shoulders. eloquence fails me, and i'm stuck knowing nothing more about anything than what is in my immediate surroundings.
"the journey of desire" by john eldredge
vase of flowers
jones soda bottle
coffee mug
a shelf full of jill's stuffed monkey collection

sometime in the next 20 minutes or so i'll climb into my double bed with the mint green sheets, and about 5 ultra heavy blankets. it's not so much that i'm cold, but that i need weight. i will most likely fall asleep quickly tonight because i'm more tired than usual. my hair will be unruly as always, my face most likely unwashed. my pajamas consist of whatever t-shirt i have on and a pair of boxer shorts. my unshaven "winter legs" will keep me warm. every time i shave, some inner voice tells me "you see, this is why you were created with body hair. to keep you warm you idiot." but...the boys don't really like the leg hair too much. but since there is no boy, there is leg hair. deal with it.

so long...farewell...that german word...goodbye.


- liz r. - 10/19/2001

10/18/2001
oatmeal really is theraputic i think. so is Cursive.

i use profanity when:
-i am driving and something dumb happens.
-i accidently inflict pain upon myself.

i could really go for some kiatsu right now.

thousands of words that need to be said or written are going through my head, but none of them are coming out. instead i cough and sniffle and think to myself, "tomorrow."




- liz r. - 10/18/2001


you always hope that if you're going to break down emotionally, that you'll at least be somewhere cool, or at least, not at work. i can honestly say that i still have no idea why i ended up in a tiny bathroom stall sobbing my brains out for 5 minutes (which is a pretty long time to cry if you think about it...at least for me anyway.) i don't think the breakdown was work-related. i just think work was the catalyst. the register was giving me endless grief, and i've got the headcold from hell, and in combination, i just couldn't deal with it i guess, and so when i started to cry...i just sat there. and i still have no idea why i was crying. i never cry. and if i do, i at least know what for. but this was like, some kind of release or something. of what? no idea. i just don't know. it's still all very strange to me. i cry maybe twice a year. maybe because it's october.

i feel fragmented. thence, the fragmented sentences.

a late 20's early 30's man in a new nissan passed me on the highway tonight. good hair, white oxford shirt, solid build. suddenly, i wished i was on the passenger side of some car, with whoever he's going to be, driving...talking..what have you.

i think it's time for some ny-quil.


- liz r. - 10/18/2001

10/17/2001
at this moment life consists of nothing more than some raspberry-honey tea, maple brown sugar oatmeal, and the cranberries "everybody else is doing it..." cd playing.

joel arrived today for good. i went over to his place after work and we both vegged out with some pizza, mike's hard lemonaid, and later on, some coffee. i'd just worked for 9 and a half hours, and he'd driven for 9 hours, and then done apartment stuff for a long time, so it was just a lot of yawning and talking about recent events, and then i made him take part in my nightly ritual of flipping back and forth between letterman and leno, and then watching all of conan. joel's apartment is gonna be the coolest once all his stuff is finally somewhat organized and what not. hardwood. two floors plus a basement. south omaha location. lots of little hispanic kids playing everywhere.

it's about 30 degrees outside. that crisp fall night feeling in the air when the sky is so clear and you swear every star in the sky is about 20 feet away. i stared out my window while driving just staring at them and got somewhat distracted from my driving, but i was the only one on the interstate for awhile, so it didn't really matter.

there are two questions on my mind:
should i get up an hour earlier than usual to go work out before work? i am afterall, paying for this membership.
and why did subway change from the u-cut to the hinge-cut? believe it or not, the u-cut is easier.
some things, we may never know.




- liz r. - 10/17/2001

10/15/2001
depression is an interesting thing.
okay, so maybe i'm not like clinically depressed or anything...i just have that "dropped a really good friend off at the airport who i won't see again for another month and a half at least, also i started a new job that pays crap and that i don't particularly enjoy" feeling. thus leaving me wanting to just lock myself up in my room with some Radiohead-Kid A and a book.

it would suit me to say that jessie's visit was a definite success and that we had a good time hanging out and getting to know one another better, and we're both really looking forward to me moving out there. that alone makes this next month and a half of drudgery (sp?) seem worth it. plus joel moving here will be theraputic i'm sure. joel, get ready for me to basically spend my every moment at your place after i get off work at night, ok?

"i'm not here....this isn't happening."

dad says that this summer and into this fall has been God teaching our family to simply trust him and do away with pride. yeah. i'd say so.

ugh. i miss jessie.



- liz r. - 10/15/2001


this is the first time in probably two months that i've been this tired before midnight, and might actually be getting to bed before 1 a.m. i also feel like i haven't typed anything in two days, so my entire equalibrium is thrown off.

i take jessie to the airport tomorrow, and from there, go to my new job. yeehaw. not too terribly much going on right now. i'm feeling very much refreshed from these few days off work, and hanging out with jessie, and being able to talk about some stuff i haven't really been able to talk about in a few months. more than anything, it's felt really good just building the friendship, and taking it to a deeper level. it felt good to be on the same page with someone again.

nothing much more tonight...i'd like to get a good 8 hours of sleep in before what looks to be a lengthy day tomorrow.


- liz r. - 10/15/2001