Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

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11/16/2001
after only five minutes on the eliptical trainer at the gym yesterday, i said, "screw it!" it's not that it's difficult. it's that it's boring. it's that God didn't create this body to get healthy on some machine while i watch Iyanla in close captioning on the tv bolted into the ceiling. the gym was cool for about oh...five days. then it just got boring. so i need help finding something fun and healthy that will make me sweat and not bore me to death. any ideas?

today is my day off. i felt the lack of motivation settling in last night. i should have showered this morning, but well, i don't feel like it. i should clean my room. don't feel like it. yes, i tend to only listen to my feelings and not the shoulds and should nots. i did however, make coffee and pancakes. so at least i'm not entirely unproductive.

so yesterday i realized that i leave in only two weeks. how crazy is that. i leave in thirteen days. it feels more like two months.
- liz r. - 11/16/2001

11/13/2001
dear self, never buy chocolate chip pudding cake again or you will consume the entire thing within a day. this is not good for you.

on a completely unrelated topic, i will now commence venting. i wish that my very existence didn't offend so many people. i wish i knew how to verbalize this without telling my entire life story. let's just say, that for whatever reason...i think God gave me a gift of not basing my self esteem on the approval of those around me. i think the gift has grown over time, but growing up...i've always felt fairly secure in who He made me to be, and that my security is in Him and not in man. you'd think this would be a good thing. something any follower of Christ would want in his or her life. even now i'm sure someone is reading this thinking "who does this girl think she is anyway?" exactly my point. i don't think i'm anything, and because of that, i know the only one i can go to in order to find that worth and security is God. this...this offends about 90% of those around me. obviously, i haven't attained perfection in this area or anything, but i think God has given me an extra dose of grace in this area, which i give Him 100% credit. i know that i am the way that i am b/c he made me this way, and not b/c i attained it on my own or anything.

so you've got all these people around. people who get offended by who i am. they get offended for any number of reasons. a lot of people have this thing where they need to be needed. when they realize quickly that although i might want them to be my friend, that i don't necessarily *need* them...they suddenly have no use for me, and leave me alone. then you have people who think that their approval should somehow be worth something to me, and when they find out it isn't, they are offended and upset.

see, you probably think i sound stuck up. you probably already are now among the 90 percent of people who are offended that i don't need you, and that i don't need your approval. it's not because there's anything wrong with *you.* absolutely nothing is wrong with you. it's just that i'm not going to waste time or energy on that kind of thing. i've got more of a life to live than that. and i don't have a lot of time to do it in, so i'm sorry (actually i'm not), but i'm going to concern myself with being who God made me to be, and doing what he made me to do, and as far as i know, that has always been higher on the priority list than putting effort into gaining approval from man.

i just want to stop feeling that i should be apologizing for who i am. i realize i'm not perfect. i realize i have character flaws. but i can't fix these all alone, and really, until God begins the work to begin the fixing...it would all be superficial. also, his timing and everyone else's in regards to how i should be are often different. i want to stop proving my existence.


- liz r. - 11/13/2001