Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

Click here for weekly archives

11/24/2001
has anyone seen that anti-smoking commercial that lists all of the horribly toxic chemicals in the air you inhale when you're having a "great night out?" yeah...so i mean, i don't smoke...and maybe all of that stuff is bad for me, but the fact is that a great night out is a great night out, smoke infested air or not. such as last night.

i am getting more and more anxious to get out of here, and i know the day i leave will be the perfect day. that the time i've spent here will be finished, and that a day shorter or longer would mess it all up. will i miss it here? well, i'll miss the people. because after wednesday i'm not sure when the next time i'll see them will be. probably not until summer time. and these are the people i see on an almost daily basis. but almost in a repeat of a year and a half ago, i'll be leaving early in the morning with my packed up car, driving across the country, in pursuit of a dream.




- liz r. - 11/24/2001

11/23/2001
just call me dirty girl. i really don't know how many days it's been since i washed my hair. it might be nearing a week. there's just something natural and healthy to me about letting the natural oils of my head come out and my hair being a grease factory for a couple of days.

downtown omaha has been turned into some kind of a fairytale wonderland. my younger brother, joel, and i went downtown last night to see the lighting of the almost million white lights they put up in the Gene Leahy park. it's absolutely amazing. i only have six days left here, but i'm sure a good portion of my nights will be spent down there.

cursive is playing tonight. they're one of my favorite bands, and hey...they're local, too! hopefully i'll run into some friends i don't usually get to see. not to mention a great show.

it's raining today. i need to get out and enjoy it.




- liz r. - 11/23/2001

11/21/2001
sometimes i wish this wasn't so public. but then again...i think it's more that there are simply certain things i can't say b/c of people who read this, or could possibly read this. the days when i just want to let off long streams of expletives, but don't because my mom reads this. or days when i want to go off about how so-and-so is being a dork, but i can't, b/c all these so-and-so's read this. not that i need to be talking about the so-and-so's or letting off profanity. and then i think...no one reads this anyway.

sometimes i think all the best thoughts in the world are thought while driving at night. my car has no stereo, no music whatsoever. some people wonder that i don't go insane, but honestly, i prefer it this way. i mean, if i'm going to be on a long road trip, i'll just put batteries in my boombox thing and take that with me. but for day to day driving...the radio and cds are more trouble than they're worth. i like to use the time to think and to just drive.

there's this picture on the computer desk of jenni, jill, and myself. jenni is laughing about something that is no doubt inside-joke related, jill is giving a really fake smile, and i'm looking off to the side like i'm totally in another world, and totally bored. and i think...this picture epitomizes the three of us.

so i move a week from tomorrow. it kind of snuck up on me, and suddenly, i feel very unready. a part of me definitely wants to stay. mostly because it's easy here. it's comfortable. it's entertaining. there's always something to do. but truth be told...it's all so shallow. the people themselves aren't shallow...it just seems like everything i do here lacks so much of the meaning i need so badly. i'm sure it's probably only because here isn't where i am supposed to be, so that will naturally make anything here unfulfilling.

often i get mental images that correlate to emotions i feel. most of these images are of me running. like...with sports clothes and tennis shoes on, running along a sidewalk on a nameless street. i usually feel like running when i'm trying to deal with personal issues. it just makes sense in my head that exerting a lot of force and sweat will make the inner turmoil go away. the physical equivalent to what's going on inside, i suppose.

for instance: lately i've been feeling very shut off again. i'm unsure if this is related to my upcoming move. i honesty don't feel like it is, but who knows. do you ever feel...forgotten? the last few times i've spoken with jessie on the phone, she's told me of people who say hello and who say they'll be happy to see me when i return to the south. it's these things that make life worth it. that i know i can go to a certain city where a handful of people will smile upon my entrance, give me a hug or two, offer me coffee, ask me what i've been reading lately, tell me who's getting married, etc.

is there a way to forget and still remember? i feel like i'm forgetting and being forgotten by an entire piece of my life out here in the midwest. yet i know i cannot let go of it entirely. however...it just feels so final this time. when people walk away from certain things in their lives, good or bad, we tend to walk backwards so we can keep our eyes on the past just a little longer. it makes getting where we're going more difficult since we can't even see what's ahead of us. i don't want to be that person. in seeing what's ahead, i can't look at what's behind. i can remember it, but i can't look at it anymore. so maybe i answered my own question. maybe that's how to forget and still remember.

i think the only thing that happens to all human beings outside of birth and death, is that we will forever misunderstand one another while upon this earth.


- liz r. - 11/21/2001

11/18/2001
have you ever met those people who can do everything? or those famous people who also seem to be able to do everything? they can sing, they can be naturally beautiful, they have beautiful bodies they don't have to work for, their hair always looks perfect, even in its imperfection, they've never needed braces, they've never had a cavity, they are good at everything they do and could do something half-hearted 10 times better than i ever could using every last ounce of creativity i have.

so i'm on this protein diet thing. not the atkins one, but a healthy one. it kind of sucks, but i am not going to wait until i'm 35 and alone and fat to decide i need to find out what diet and exercise program works best with my body. i seem a little obsessed with my body and health lately. i apologize. i suppose if i'm going to have a distraction, i might as well have a healthy one.

november has finally come, 18 days late. it's still unseasonably warm for november, but today's sky is overcast and moist and most of the leaves have fallen. the air is cool enough to need a jacket, unlike most days previous to this one. november is one of my favorite months. maybe i'll name my child November if i have a girl. that is, if i ever have a child. too bad she'd probably grow up being made fun of...and only after she graduates from high school will people think that she's cool and beautiful. kind of like me. i'm still working on the beautiful part.

a friend made me a mix cd. what wonderful songs. i'm really digging this tori amos "only women bleed" song. they say love is a language spoken world wide...i say, maybe so. i say, it's music. is there really a human being on this earth who hasn't been touched by a piece of music at some point in his or her life? maybe not all of us are fanatics about it like some people i know, but everyone from the destitute, to the ultra wealthy, to the evil dicator, has probably had some kind of unspoken love for music. i wonder why this is...and i wonder if my favorite part of eternity will be the music.




- liz r. - 11/18/2001