Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

Click here for weekly archives

12/8/2001
placeless. i feel like being in three places at once, yet only one place is where i am supposed to be. two of them would offer me ease, but one is where i have been placed to be used. yet i feel useless. directionless. hard. shut off. lazy. lacking in everything. completely empty.

yet there is hope. somewhere buried under all this emptiness is hope.

"hope empties our hands so that we may work with them." - thomas merton

i am reminded of the end of "life after god" by douglas coupland. the part where he's like, "i need God to help me be kind because i no longer seem capable of kindness. i need God to help me love because i no longer seem able to love." i know i butchered that, but that was the general theme. i think i've come to that place where trying to do anything out of my own effort will begin to prove itself fatal.

i wonder where the fire is. where inside of me is that small flicker of a flame that once seemed to burn so strong? what walls have i built to make the voice of God so quiet and hard to hear?

i knew the minute i drove up hillcrest drive that these were the feelings i was going to experience once i got here, so i'm not suprised by them. but suprised or not, they aren't easier to bear.

sometimes i think that when in genesis it mentions that before the creation of the world there was Chaos...that i think Chaos was in fact lonliness. but i figure if God made the perfect world and did away with that chaos, then he can make something beautiful in place of this lonliness. (idon'tknow)

connection.
hit or miss.
miss.
miss again.


- liz r. - 12/8/2001

12/5/2001
i'm going to charleston tomorrow. i love charleston.

i feel like there's some kind of road block in my head that is blocking any kind of thoughts about anything from going through. i feel cramped. i know it will only be for a couple more weeks, though.

i'm a quiet person, but i like to have noise around me. this place lacks noise.

"the weekends were our saviors." -bridges w/spirit by adam voith


- liz r. - 12/5/2001

12/3/2001
okay. i'll write while i can.

i am now in an undisclosed small town in south carolina. i am keeping the location undisclosed because it's small enough that if some psycho wanted to find me, it wouldn't be that hard. if i lived in a bigger town, it would be more difficult. so, sorry to keep it secret, but eh.

i've been here exactly 24 hours. thoughts? the accent will take some getting used to. the people seem welcoming. the pastor already knows my name. i live in a garage in a forest next to a small creek. be jealous. it's beautiful. being here feels good. it feels right. i might not exactly understand it yet, but it feels good.

i think one of the major things that's going to come out of this move, is that a lot of unnecessary distraction is going to be removed from my life. i can get so caught up in distraction that i lose myself in the process. although these back roads will take some getting used to, it will be nice not to have to deal with five lanes of interstate traffic, and all those stupid stoplights on Center and Dodge. just the busy feel of living in a city. and when i'm feeling the itch for some city, i've got many cities within three hours driving distance. in fact, i'm most likely going to go down to Charleston this week. And Charlotte this weekend.

basically, if i'm at home and i'm bored, there isn't anywhere to go now to take care of that boredom. no huge parks, no cool coffee houses, (although i moved here to start one with my friend, so it's only a matter of time. =) ) no 24-hour restaurants, no barnes and noble, no antiquarium, well you get my drift. there is a town about a half hour from here with a decent record store and mall and stuff, but there isn't all the things there were back in omaha, at only a ten minute drive away.

i'm looking forward to doing a lot of reading and writing. and the road by where i live is great for running. so i'm not sure what life will entail these next few months, but it will be good for me.


- liz r. - 12/3/2001


for anyone who actually reads this thing semi-regularly, i apologize for not keeping it up to date like usual. i've been in the midst of moving this weekend and i've reached my final destination in south carolina. i don't have my own computer so when i find one i can use on a somewhat regular basis, i'll be here often. until then, please be patient with me.


- liz r. - 12/3/2001