Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

Click here for weekly archives

2/20/2002
i invited it in, now i have to usher it out. okay, kick it out. realize it's not what i want, and if i hang onto it any longer, it will damage my future greatly. no further detail.

friday i need grace. friday i need mercy. friday i need a clear mind and a discernment, and honestly...just a lot of help to not screw up. i'm tired of settling b/c i'm lonely. if i really want the best, i need to be content to know that the best might not be available for five more years or more. which is simultaneously depressing and freeing. (note: for close friends and relatives possibly reading-no, i am not seeing anybody.)

content in my singleness? hardly. yet i'm beginning to see its purpose, and that there will be a lot of things in life i can accomplish being single much better than being married. so i guess i'd better get to work.

is there a way to let go of the past w/o forgetting it entirely? a way to appreciate something without wanting to return to it? it's hard to look back on the best year of my life and not want it back. and yet, even if i could have it back, it wouldn't be as good as i remember it. we tend to block out bad memories and zone in on the good ones. i'm sure in a few years, i might be looking upon right now as one of the best times in my life, too.


- liz r. - 2/20/2002

2/18/2002
"i only write when i'm inspired, and i make sure i'm inspired every morning at 10 a.m." a quote from something i read but can't remember who said it. so i haven't been feeling inspired to write lately, but i feel like i should just stay consistent with it. because the me who feels like writing and the me who doesn't, well, they're both still me. so hi. this is me. and what i write from now until whenever might seem forced. and maybe it is. and maybe it's content won't seem all that inspiring (not that it ever is anyway) or eloquent (which is never is either), or anything else people might look for in writing.

here's what i know. i know i make just enough money to barely survive, that tonight i'm gonna go home, drink coffee, and watch a movie (what's eating gilbert grape.) i'll probably read some poetry and bits and pieces out of some books. i might actually start in on one of the four books i just checked out from the library. jessie and i will probably end up just talking and getting nothing done. and in spite of my current desire to "only eat when i'm hungry", i'll probably get into the peanut butter and Nutella. I might try to write something, i might not, and i'll toss and turn myself to sleep. i might wake up early or late. and then i might try to call about a job.

why do i think that the models in j. crew and banana republic have the most desireable bodies? i used to have a body like that...but alas, high school is long gone. so i don't know. unattainable goal. one i probably shouldn't even try to get b/c well...maybe it's a shallow goal to have. anyway...


- liz r. - 2/18/2002