Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

Click here for weekly archives

3/16/2002
I just got done reading my favorite magazine, which is also one of the most depressing magazines. Architectural Digest. It’s so cool to see all the different styles. But then I think, could I really live there? Would I really be able to come up with designs these fancy and feel like myself surrounded by these million dollar environments? Really, I’d rather live some place small with a good eclectic mix of things around. Hardwood floors, colorful walls, some artwork and posters, and just little things around that I know are *me*. I have to have a place where I know I can put my feet on the couch or the coffee table. Maybe I should just learn how to make my own furniture. It’s definitely something I’d be interested in doing, but I’d have to go to school for it and well, that costs money I don’t have.

Still, architecture and design and shapes and lines are things that inspire me, even if I’m not meant to create them. I think I’m supposed to build and design and shape things with words, however poorly I do so. Anything worth doing, is worth doing poorly. Think about that one for awhile.

- liz r. - 3/16/2002

3/15/2002
i just spent a half hour looking through this resort directory. it's basically a picture book of all the places in the entire world i can't afford to visit. but it got me thinking. why was i destined to grow up in a one story house in nebraska, where other kids get to grow up on the beaches in new zealand? i just have to wonder about these things sometimes. all this has made me ready for a road trip. i have so much of this country to see before i should take on the world i think.


- liz r. - 3/15/2002

3/14/2002
unanswered questions will eat you alive.

i've decided that i don't think i enjoy living alone very much. my friend and i share an apartment, but she'll be gone all day today through the night and all day tomorrow. i hate not having anybody to talk to when my thoughts get out of control; not that i plan on them getting out of control. it's not that i have to talk all the time, in fact, i'm usually pretty quiet when i'm at home, but it's just nice to have someone around in case i do feel like talking. i suppose i'll just check out movies from the library (they're free!), so i can live vicariously through someone else for a few hours. and i have a couple of overdue books i still need to read.

i feel suspended.


- liz r. - 3/14/2002

3/13/2002
just a couple of quotes by Kahlil Gibran i read earlier today.

"Verily all things move within your being in constant half embrace, the desired and the dreaded, the repugnant and the cherished, the pursued and that which you would escape. These things move within you as lights and shadows in pairs that cling."

"Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which your reason and your judgement wage war against your passion and your appetite."

(about pain)"For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen, And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."

"People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face. But you are life and you are the veil. Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. But you are eternity and you are the mirror."



- liz r. - 3/13/2002


i feel like i'm going to throw up. pancakes and coffee after a few days of hardly eating anything was simply not a good idea.

do you ever find yourself sitting, talking with people, and wondering "what in the world am i doing here?" not in a bad way, like you're not supposed to be there...but just really, "how did i get here?" i feel as if, well i'm not sure how i feel. i kind of feel like i'm simply existing without purpose right now. i know that it's just a feeling, because there are some important things i'm doing right now, but everything seems so far away and unreachable. that the things i want are just beyond my grasp. like i'll never really step into anything, and my goals and dreams will always come up half-finished. someone mentioned to me the other day that he feels like he has all his eggs in one basket. and i mentioned something about being exactly opposite, b/c there was so much i wanted to do and learn. and while i still feel that way, i feel like i don't have any eggs or any baskets. i mean, at least he's good at what he does, whereas i feel completely mediocre. i think i'm afraid to commit to be good at something and to really study it and do well. i'm afraid to take writing classes b/c i fear i'll have a teacher who will hate everything i put down in words. i'm afraid to learn piano because it might be much harder than i think, or that i just won't be good at it. and many other things.

in other areas of insecurity: last night i was talking to my best friend on the phone and was mentioning how i feel like i'm a person easily forgotten. and most times i end up talking things out and understanding them without the person on the other end of the line having to say anything. it's just good knowing someone is listening. but i was saying how i think i feel forgettable because i don't feel worth remembering. it kind of suprised me to even admit that to myself. so now i'm on a quest to find out why i feel that way. when people meet me in person, i may give the appearance of having it together, and i think in most ways i really do have a lot of things together. but as much as i love meeting new people, as soon as i leave, i wonder, "will they remember me the next time i see them?" maybe that sounds like a somewhat prideful way to go about life, wanting to be remembered...but i believe that deep down, it's most people's desire to feel important to others, to have something about themselves to offer to the people around them. to walk into a room where at least one person knows you and is glad you're there. perhaps it's all in my head. most things are.

maybe i'm coming off as terribly insecure lately, but i suppose that's simply a part of life. i don't usually dwell on things like this, but i'm at a place in life where i know God wants to reveal my heart to me, and what's in it. He wants to clean it out and to make my security in Him and not in others or even in myself. it's a hard road, but i'm walking it.




- liz r. - 3/13/2002

3/12/2002
i've been re-reading the entries to this journal from the very beginning. boy, am i an idiot. sometimes i'd like to go back and erase all the stupid things i've said, all the shallow things i've said, all the things i've said about how much i hate my body or whatever, totally pathetic sounding things i said about a relationship i had a super long time ago, but i guess all these things i've said are still me. stupidity and all. insecurity and all. the fact that i'm always changing, and despite my big schpeil about consistency last month, i still can't seem to get it down. i look at what i've written, and i feel embarassed. i think anyone reading this must think i'm absolutely looney. but i suppose the ever changing thoughts of a 21-year old girl finding her way in the world probably *are* looney. and then i read some stuff i wrote and think, "man, it would be nice to be able to write like that again. where did i lose it?"

i'm always in a phase. and i don't mind. because as many phases as i've been through and will continue to go through, i have always felt like me, and i feel i've always been honest. i feel like i'm losing motivation. a few weeks ago it was my desire to take on the world with everything in me, and now well...it's my desire to sleep until 11, and be super unproductive. simplicity has turned into laziness, and i'm not sure how to change that. people ask me, "do you miss omaha?" i'm not sure. i miss city life, i miss diversity. but i know i'm here for a reason, that i'm here until the desire for distraction is truly gone. people ask me how long i plan on being where i am, doing what i'm doing, and i say, "i take it one year at a time right now." whether it's fear of committment or just being realistic, i'm don't know. i feel so transient.

i'll tell you what i'd enjoy more than anything. it would be to drive up to the north carolina mountains, find some waterfall and just camp out there for a few days. i remember going on youth group retreats when i was younger. we'd go to the Black Hills in south dakota, and i'd go off by myself and sit on this small bridge over a stream. i sat there for so long, and never got bored. i'd get home and realize i didn't even miss television or my music. it was so good to just get away from everything i was accustomed to and considered "normal." i'd like to go for more than a few days actually. maybe more like a few weeks. and drive around a bit to different locations. long enough to really forget about the rest of the world, and quiet my spirit. someday...someday.


- liz r. - 3/12/2002


"so, what are your plans for the day?" he asked. we all looked around and started laughing. what a silly question to ask when you live in a town like this. there *is* nothing to do. i've become so accustomed with entertaining myself, that it's completely normal to just spend an entire afternoon reading or writing. I don't need to have plans anymore. it's kind of nice actually. i'd really like to see some ocean, though. the problem with going to the ocean however, is that i go to the atlantic, so i'll never see the sunset. maybe i could go to some place on the gulf or something.

i haven't been eating much lately. no reason really. just haven't felt like it. i kind of feel like cleaning out my system, and not eating is really the best and healthiest way. plus, i'm lazy and don't feel like buying food. i was at this show the other night though, (the one referenced in yesterdays post) and it was like, so evident that a lot of kids in "the scene" must starve themselves. I've actually heard people say they buy music instead of food. that's just craziness. i'd like to look like a healthy human being instead of some starved indie rock kid with horrible posture.

another thing i'd like to address is the area of competition. mostly between females, since well, i am one and know female competition better than male competition. sometimes i just get sick of it. i get tired of walking into a room, especially at concerts, and feeling the glares of every girl in the room, as they all size each other up to see who's the cutest/prettiest/etc. i get so tired of that stuff. i get so tired of who has the coolest hair/shoes/jeans/whatever. i get so tired of feeling like we're all invading each others territory. so i've found the best way to deal with this is to simply pretend i don't notice. to fake oblivion. not to mention most of these girls are probably 3 years younger than me. i'm just too old to play this game anymore. well, okay, i'm not old (21, nearing 22), but i don't really feel like competing with 17 year old girls. i don't think competition shows confidence, but rather the lack of confidence. i think someone truly confident (without being stuck up) will take no notice, or at least simply not care. i'm not really sure how guys compete with each other. one time someone i know decided a way to really impress me would be to jump over a huge gap. he did so, and proceeded to say, "sometimes guys do really stupid things to impress girls...did it work?" i laughed, and said no. =) but that's not really competition. anyway...so i'm nowhere nearer to finding out the meaning of all this competition, but it's interesting to ponder. feel free to email me and tell me your thoughts about how you notice competition going on. i'd be curious to know.




- liz r. - 3/12/2002

3/11/2002
(if this post shows up funny and without spaces between paragrapshs, there's something wrong w/blogger, and it will probably be fixed soon.)

there's something about live music. something about people packing in as tight as they can so they can see the band. something about looking across the room and seeing a wide smile on the face of a person truly enjoying the music and singing along with it. something about people who are truly there for the music.

spring is in the air. can you smell it? can you feel it?

faith is spelled r.i.s.k. don't be afraid to take a chance. what do you have to lose?

it is getting increasingly difficult to know what to write here. to say what i want to say without saying too much or too little. to be specific without being too specific. to be vague without being too vague. to know that i can't take back what i've said, and how i feel one day may be completely opposite of what i feel the next. i suppose i have to know that this is the internet, and though i've never lied about anything here before, that it will never be a truly accurate account of who i really am, what i feel, or what i think. however, it is always my goal to be as transparent as possible without crossing any personal boundaries.

i haven't been eating for the last few days. mostly b/c i haven't been sleeping. and i haven't been sleeping because i have a lot on my mind. you know...those nights where your whole body is begging for rest, and yet your brain simply will not shut off. so the less i sleep, the less i eat, and i fear i'm turning into a zombie of sorts. =)

i've become so used to shutting myself off from most everyone i meet, and now it's starting to do damage. i just don't know how to talk to people anymore. i strive to carry on real conversations with people, to really get to know them. to have conversations where we discuss Things, but i've been feeling so inadequate lately. i stumble over my words, and i am afraid that i'm either coming off as incredibly stuck up, or incredibly stupid and insecure. probably both. i long to be able to just say what i mean and stop considering what people will think of me based upon the words coming out of my mouth. but i suppose that's impossible. i'm human, and humans are kind of dumb sometimes. we say things to people, thinking they'll know exactly what we mean, and yet they're probably interpreting our words completely differently. it reminds me of that movie Powder (i haven't seen it in ages, so i'm not sure if i saw it again whether or not i would like it or even consider it a good movie), and i remember the thing i liked about the kid was that he just said exactly what he meant to say. it made him pretty lonely because people aren't used to people who are like that. and then i think about Jesus. Jesus spoke intentionally. he always said what he meant to say because he knew there wasn't time to mince words. so will i ever get over myself and just speak? maybe when i'm 80. who knows.






- liz r. - 3/11/2002