Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

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4/18/2002
do you ever have those days where although life really isn't all that bad, it just seems like it's falling apart? today is one of those days. today i discovered that i left my camera somewhere in charleston, south carolina. maybe it wasn't the best camera in the world, but my parents did buy it for me for christmas a few years back, and it still worked just fine, and well, who likes to lose their camera? and i can't really afford to fix the one that my friend gave me. so if anyone knows how to fix minolta 35mm cameras and wants to do mine for free, just let me know. sheesh. and then of course some old guy driving a 15 passenger van came extremely close to blindsiding me today on the way here. i honked because well, the situation called for it. it's a good thing i'm a defensive driver. and last night i think i had a dream where i was supposed to sign some form, and i couldn't get my signature right. it took me three tries to get them to believe it was really me. so i woke up rather frustrated.

but speaking of dreams, i had this really really incredible one the night before last that i know was from God. the dream: i was visiting home, and it was sunday morning and i was at the church i grew up in. my favorite teacher/pastor/minister from school last year was the guest speaker that morning, and afterward, everybody was gathered around the front for prayer and he was praying for various individuals. i was just walking around not really that interested. he had just finished with the person he was praying with and made eye contact with me and pointed at me and mouthed "come here." it was in a very direct, almost intimidating way. i went over to him and he said, (and this is the part where i don't remember word for word, but know the general feeling and idea of what he said, so it was something along the lines of:) "i don't know what it is about this place and you but you have so much more inside of you that you even realize, than most people realize. you've been given so much more than most people get and i don't even know how to express it to you." then i woke up. every time i thought about this dream yesterday, it's like my spirit rose up within me and i just had to breathe deeply and pray. each time i thought of the words he said, i heard three more after them..."don't waste it." so it was a pretty incredible dream...more like a spiritual wake up call. i like it when dreams are obvious and i don't have to spend all day trying to figure them out.

when will i realize that trying to attain some kind of perfect life will never happen? i must have life, but i cannot arrange for it. there will always be bills to be paid, cars to be fixed, doctors and dentists appointments, etc. i really ought to just chill out and learn how to "roll with the punches" so to speak. i really think life might be a lot easier if i just spent less time thinking about all the bad in my life and focused more on the good and what blessings God has given me. even writing about it makes me realize how petty and temporary this all is. i could really be so fulfilled and happy, and i'm not because i'm basing my happiness on things which are so futile and vaporous. ah, revelations. but even they only last a day.




- liz r. - 4/18/2002

4/16/2002
so i think i'm going to go play tennis today. in almost 90 degree weather. i'm crazy, i know. but i enjoy tennis, and i haven't played it in years. and it's way more fun than say, running. (i hate running.)

another thing: i am a sucker for buying all the newest soaps and lotions and stuff. when really, i'd probably be just fine with a bar of Dove. my friend farrah and i discussed our face-washing regimen, and have both basically decided that face washing is overrated, and does more harm than good. so since saturday night i've washed my face less, worn less makeup, and wouldn't you know it, my face is clearing up pretty nicely. from now on i'll ignore the beauty aisle of walmart, walgreens, eckerds, cvs and all those other places. it's just crazy how much stuff we get suckered into buying. i guess advertising does its job, eh?

so my family is most likely moving to new mexico. new freakin' mexico. of all places. i don't know what to think about it. my heart knows it's the right place for them to be, but sometimes it's hard understanding the purpose of it. i guess it will give me the opportunity to see a part of the country i rarely go to. maybe next summer i'll go out there for awhile and take some time exploring the southwest. (which in my opinion, was incredibly dull and desolate, although i know there is much beauty to be found there.)

but in the news of places that are not dull and desolate, spring is in full bloom here. absolutely everything that can bloom, is blooming. so many colors. so beautiful. too bad it's 88 degrees outside. i don't think i'm ready for this yet. tomorrow i may drive to charleston, south carolina. my favorite place to go. and it's only like, 2 and a half hours away! bonus! i didn't grow up getting to go to cool places like that, much less places on the ocean. i didn't see my first ocean until i was 19 years old. yes, 19. so now, getting to see it is definitely a treat.


- liz r. - 4/16/2002

4/15/2002
all right. stay committed to this thing, liz.

i had an excellent weekend, although slightly depressing. sometimes it's hard to visit a place i once lived, be surrounded with cool people, and know that at the end of the day i have to go home to the middle of nowhere, where jessie and i are basically the only people like us around. all the "i don't want to be like anybody else" people can say what they want. sometimes it's nice to be in a room with a lot of people who you have a common bond with, even if you don't know any of them personally.

i watched "as good as it gets" yesterday. I'd seen it before, but it's still a movie that gets me thinking. about how really, nobody is normal. about how there is no such thing as normal, or having normal friendships and relationships. there is always a twist to everything. i think we deny ourselves a lot of good times because we're waiting for the nice easy "normal" path. i think i spend too much time trying to figure things out.


- liz r. - 4/15/2002