Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

Click here for weekly archives

5/3/2002
the power of prayer. today i sucked up my pride and went over and hung out with the pastor and his wife and cried to them about some stuff. they prayed for me, and although i know things won't get really easy right away...they will get better, and i will come out of this on top. i wish i could go into more detail.

so it seems things are looking up. i think the first step is reaching out and saying, "hey, i'm not okay." i feel very blessed to be able to just go hang out with my pastor and his wife instead of having to schedule an appointment. anyway...i think the first step of faith is simply to admit need and ask for help.

"when we see him, we'll be like him." from the bible somewhere. i'll research it later. i'm beginning to think this verse doesn't mean what we think it means. so many people have exhorted me to be like him, but who has really shown him to me? and what does that look like? i think we should all think about what it means to show God to people, instead of just telling people about his characteristics and traits. because maybe if we showed him to more people, more people would want to know him and be like him as well. imagine.


- liz r. - 5/3/2002

5/2/2002
this blog is called "through my eyes." and through my eyes it is. my perspective. the way i see things. the way i see things isn't always necessarily the way things are. in fact, i'm sure most of the times the way i see things has nothing to do with the way things are. for instance, the way i see things, is that i need a lot of dental work done and have absolutely no funds to do so. but the way things actually are, could be that God has someone planned to take care of those needs, and i just haven't met them yet or just don't know about it yet. or perhaps tomorrow morning i'll wake up with a completely new set of teeth and won't need the dental work at all. do i think it will happen? in my heart of hearts, no. but i know it could. i know it's not out of God's reach to do something crazy like that. i know i don't "deserve" it or anything, but i still think it would be cool.

because to tell you the truth...i still struggle with oh...everything? i mean, today this thought comes to mind, a really really selfish thought. "i'm tired of sharing God with everyone else." horrible sounding i know. and i know it's an issue i have to deal with. but the way i see things (as opposed to the way things are) is that i hold myself back from really knowing God because I feel like his attention is always elsewhere, on bigger problems, larger issues, etc. who am i to ask for healing or financial provision when there are starving children in ethiopia, all the israel stuff, the united states government, and homeless people to worry about? and i know that isn't how God works, but well...i guess i know it with my head and it just hasn't made its way down to my heart yet. i've been taught my entire life that i am a child of God, that I can have a "personal relationship" with him, that he watches out for me, and all that kind of thing. and maybe it's coming to the realization that while i know deep down inside that i believe it, i don't necessarily live like i do. there was a point last year when i was really questioning what it all meant, and through it all, i never let go, even when i wanted to. there was something inside of me that held on, even when it seemed there was no reason. and so i guess right now, i have to learn how to trust that a "personal relationship" with God is possible, that i'm not invisible, that in the midst of the world falling apart that he hasn't forgotten me.

it's not that i need to get "saved" all over again or anything. i think it's more of really learning that through salvation there is so much more available to me than i realize. that perhaps it would be wise to trust in the Lord more than myself. that i truly can do nothing without Him who strengthens me. i wish i believed all that i say, but i admit i don't.

I admit that I am clueless about absolutely everything right now. I admit that if there is something to worry about, you can count on me to worry about it. I admit that I do quite a few things out of obligation. I admit that I am extremely insecure, especially when it comes to my outer appearance. I admit that there are certain habits I have and I don't know how to stop. I admit I have addictions I don't know how to quit. I admit that I am terribly afraid to committ to anything. I admit that I am not living the life I should be. I admit that I think about things I shouldn't when trying to fall asleep. I admit that the most difficult thing in the world for me is to trust God. I admit that I shut myself off to almost everyone I know. I admit that one of my biggest fears is to get close to people, and an even greater fear is that I will never be truly known by anyone. I admit that in spite of everything, the flicker of hope remains.

i admit these things plain as day. have i gotten too personal? probably. but i get so tired of the façade. of putting on the masks of strength and assurance that everything will work out. but i never really do convince myself that things won't work out. because if things are only meant to get worse, than what am i here for anyway? if there isn't the hope that something more must be out there, there isn't anything.



- liz r. - 5/2/2002

4/30/2002
wanna know a good way to eat less? brush your teeth more. because then you'll think, "no, i just brushed my teeth, i don't want to have to do it again." so at night, brush your teeth really early. i don't know...it works for me. sort of.

lately i've sort of been thinking a lot about how fast time goes. how tomorrow i'll wake up and i'll be 30 years old. and then the next day i'll wake up and be 50. and pretty soon i'll be old and wrinkly, nearing death and i'll wonder where all the time went. and although thinking about this stuff can get depressing, then i realize that we were probably never meant to experience time in the first place and that gives me a little bit of comfort. it's like, i'm 21 years old, almost 22. the supposed "best year of my life" is almost over. there's something magical about being 21, and it seems anything before it is young, and anything over it is old. i know that's not necessarily true...i don't know what i'm trying to say really. i did come to the conclusion that growing old would be much easier if i had someone to share it with. so..here's to hoping i'm not single my whole life. (i know i know i know...i'm only 21, i should just quit worrying about being single and get on with life, right?) maybe i tend to worry about it more than most, because i haven't exactly had tons of experience in the realm of relationships. and i suppose that just contributes more to my already hightened insecurity about the whole issue. oh well, what can i do?


- liz r. - 4/30/2002

4/29/2002
it was nice to feel like i wasn't invisible for a change. to know that perhaps God hasn't forgotten my existence.

i've been having terrible writers's block the last couple of weeks or so. I'm not sure i see an end to it any time soon. i'll tell you what i'd really like to do right now. i'd like to pick up a real latte at a real coffee house and just relax and finish up reading catcher in the rye. yeah yeah...i know it's one of those trendy books to read, but well...i really do love it. this is my third time reading it and i think i'm finally getting it. maybe b/c i'm reading it slower than my usual speed-reading.

ever have that one thing in life that seems absolutely impossible to quit? well, i have two. i quit one, but i can't seem to stop the other. i feel a breakthrough coming, i just don't know when.

i've been leaving the mask at home a little more often lately. it makes me feel very strange b/c it's something i tend to rely on, but i think by leaving it at home, i am setting myself free and allowing myself to heal. sorry to make something that's actually pretty material seem so abstract, but i don't feel like going into details today.

for the last 5 days or so, my wrist has flared up. i sprained it a couple of times when i was in the sixth grade, and so when the weather gets all wacky, my wrist goes haywire, to where i can't move it without it hurting. and now it's spread to my entire arm. so frustrating.

and i had a weird dream last night that i was in that Survivor show, except that it was set up more like that Amazing Race show, b/c i had a partner. but they dropped us in this place in south dakota where my youth group used to go on retreats in the summer. but of course in the dream everything was different. my partner was my ex-boyfriend, and in the dream he was my ex-boyfriend, too. and he didn't seem too happy about being my partner, and was always running off. and then everyone was getting mad at me and i was getting really frustrated and i turned to my partner and gave him this look like, "please feel sorry for me" but he didn't, and he left. weird.

so i'm flying home in less than two weeks. craziness. i'm pretty excited though. excited to see my friends, and knowing that everything will be so different then how it was back in november when i was last there. but it will be good. and i know i'll have a good time hanging out in all the old places, eating at all the familiar restaurants, walking the familiar streets, etc. it's a good feeling knowing that in two weeks i'll be able to eat at Zio's.


- liz r. - 4/29/2002