Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

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6/22/2002
this will be mostly a reiteration (sp?) of something i wrote in an email today. and also a response of sorts to something i read on my friend jason's website www.opuszine.com. well, maybe not a response...but his stuff was more of a catalyst to some stuff i've been thinking about lately.

I am a Christian. most of you who read this journal know that. some of you might not. but i gather that it's been more than implied. being a christian is not cool. let's just face that. for the sake of clarity, i will be slightly less vague than usual. most people who know me or are at least acquainteces with me, would put me in the "indie rock" category. whether or not i am in fact, indie rock, who really knows. i tend to enjoy the music and the style. however, being a christian who likes indie rock isn't cool. now, you wouldn't know that for all the people who profess to be such, both musicians and fans alike. now, i can think of quite a few musicians who are cool and who also profess to be christians, whilst making it some kind of a point to prove how "free" they are by various activities. it's not the activities themselves with i have the problem with, but with the attitude behind it. and really, i'm going to focus less on the musicians, and more on the "christians" within the indie rock scene.

i'm just going to name my hypothetical character Joe. Joe professes to be a Christian. Joe enjoys many kinds of music, and probably prides himself on his extensive knowledge of the Smiths, Velvet Underground, and how much he hates Dashboard Confessional (but you know he was in love with Further Seems Forever two years ago.) (note: i know to some of you this will be foreign language...i'm sorry.) Joe likes to party. Joe likes to drink a lot. Joe chain smokes. Joe drops the f-bomb as much as possible. Joe has the perfect bed-head hair. Bring up any of this to Joe and he will bite your mother f-ing head off with the most religious jargon you've ever heard in your entire life. Joe likes to keep himself busy and entertained defending his precious Christianity. Are drinking, smoking or cussing necessarily "sins"? Who knows. Leave it to Joe to prove to you they aren't.

Maybe some of you think i'm being all fundamentalist or conservative or whatever. I'll try to get to my point as quickly as possible. I go the same shows as Joe. I probably like a lot of the same music as Joe. Heck, I probably drink the same beer as Joe. And well, I've dropped an f-bomb or two before...okay, probably yesterday. Before I continue, this isn't me trying to say "Joe is a bad person, and I, Liz, am a good person."

If Joe and I were to get together, and I were to begin to speak about how Jesus has really been working in my heart, and has began to change me in certain ways, and I went on about how amazing God really is and how much he cares for us, and any number of other things, Joe would be uncomfortable. Why? Because Joe doesn't want to know God. God has become just one more thing to prove, one more thing to defend. Another aspect of his ego. I think C.S. Lewis wrote about him in The Great Divorce.

I guess i just wonder what we're all trying to prove. and what we're all running from. are we so afraid that by getting close to God he's going to take something away from us? would it really be so bad for us if he did? but He doesn't. he doesn't take anything away. i find the closer I get to Him, the more of my mind he opens up to new ideas and goals and dreams and desires. however new agey that sounds, it's true.

so maybe this doesn't really have that much to do with what my friend jason said today...but something he said must have gotten me thinking about all of this. anyway...i think we just need to realize that Jesus doesn't need us to make him look cool.


- liz r. - 6/22/2002

6/20/2002
so i'll be 22 next week. weird. and that's all i really have to say about that topic.

this morning i woke to the sounds of drilling. since i live right above my future place of employment (coffee house, opening in august), i suppose this will be the norm for the next month and a half. i'm still not used to my apartment. i guess you just get used to a place, and adjusting is difficult.

speaking of drilling, i'm going to the dentist in a few weeks for a big cleaning, checkup, x-ray appointment. the diagnosis on how bad my teeth really are, if you will. bleh.

i really wish i had earth shattering things to say today. not that it usually ever is. there's all sorts of stuff going on in my head, but none of it is transferring to this journal today. and finally...moby was on letterman last night. i love moby.


- liz r. - 6/20/2002

6/18/2002
something i wrote last night:

it's been one of those nights when a myriad of thoughts and hopes and prayers have tangled themselves together, seeking a way of expression, but without much success.
it's been a night of realizing my countless shortcomings; wondering if i will ever get beyond them--if i will ever become more than this.
it's been a night of dreaming; that even thought life gets harder, it gets better, praying that God will suprise me with greater plans than had ever entered into my thoughts. it's not that i am capable, but that He is capable.

i am 21 years old, 22 in two weeks. i am listening to electronic trance music, and i am sitting on my borrowed futon bed in my bedroom of my first real apartment. 10 years from now, this moment will probably seem closer to me than it will tomorrow. tomorrow my body clock will wake me at 9 a.m., but i will lay in bed until 10. i will get up, drink coffee, eat cereal and decide how to occupy myself for the next 16 hours. 10 years from now i could be married and living in Ireland, writing books and raising children. and i will remember this moment of invisibility.


- liz r. - 6/18/2002

6/17/2002
last night me and an older gentleman from my church ended up having about an hour and a half discussion about a lot of really cool things. He's probably in his upper 50's or so. It was so refreshing to connect with someone discussing topics that i love (c.s. lewis, grace, books, etc.). he was able to correspond with douglas gresham, c.s. lewis stepson, and he is going to let me read the letters. do you understand how unbelievably cool that is? he's got letters from someone who's directly related to c.s. lewis. in case you can't tell, i absolutely adore c.s. lewis. but back to the original topic. so yeah...it was really great for me, an almost 22 year old girl, to talk about interesting things with this man from my church. refreshing. there's almost nothing that energizes me as really connecting with someone and having a great conversation. i'm such a one on one type person. just stick me at a kitchen table with some snacks and a good conversation and i'm happy. "you, me and five bucks." (-reality bites)


- liz r. - 6/17/2002