Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

Click here for weekly archives

8/3/2002
yeah, so i didn't write much today. big suprise. it would have been an even bigger suprise if i had. tonight me and some people were talking about how the things we collect and surround ourselves with tell people a lot about us. i don't know that you'd get much of a story by looking at my things. mostly because i don't really own all that much stuff anymore. so maybe you'd get more of a story by looking at what i don't have. i don't know. all i know is what i told someone once: that i would rather have a good story to tell than a nice sofa. i'm at the age where my friends are beginning to lease apartments and buy houses. maybe i just have a fear of committment, but as of yet, these things aren't interesting to me. i'd rather backpack europe and leave everything behind. i don't know...i don't think i have fear of committment, i just think i place my value in different things. and the things i place my value in aren't any better or worse than buying a house. the apartment i live in right now i pay rent for and what not, but my roommates parents own it, and i didn't sign a lease or anything. maybe i just have a short attention span. i think that might be it.

a short attention span. but only in certain things. because i've been known to spend an entire afternoon doing nothing but reading. but then within that, i can't read just one book. or spend an afternoon writing. but about many different things. i think the only thing that can keep my attention for a long time is a good conversation. boy..when i get talking about something i'm interested in, or with someone who is interesting, or both...i could talk for hours. and usually do.


- liz r. - 8/3/2002


do you ever feel....suffocated? let me explain. last night i went to a pretty interesting art gallery with some friends. a friend of ours had a few of his pieces there. it was a rather weird environment, but kind of fun i guess. so then later on we met up with some people at the waffle house. i wish i could explain to you why, but one of the people there had this thing about them that just suffocated me. the kind of suffocation that like a flick of a switch, changes your mood from great to horrible. and it really has nothing to do with the person or the feelings i have toward her. i don't even know her. i've never gotten to know her. i've never spent any real time with her. but she suffocated me. i'm sure this makes it seem like she's some kind of bad person...that's not it at all. i think she's a pretty great person actually. hmm...i should probably stop trying to describe this, b/c it's just not working. but maybe you know what i'm talking about. all i know is that suddenly, i couldn't concentrate and i felt like i couldn't breathe, so to speak.

today i'm going to lock myself up in my room and try to write a lot. we'll see if it actually happens.




- liz r. - 8/3/2002

8/1/2002
i think i'm going to write today's entry with my eyes shut. sometimes i get so caught up with looking at the screen that i can't just write. i'll go back and proofread later.

i wish i could explain how today feels. i wish...i don't even know where to start. there are so many things inside my head, and there's no way possible to make them sound eloquent. today just feels strange. like it will never start. a non-day. i've got a kanker sore on the tip of my tongue, a weird scab or something on the back of my neck that won't heal, hair that seems to be falling out in larger amounts than usual, etc.

i feel suspended. like i'm observing the day instead of living in it. and i feel like what c.s. lewis was talking about in The Weight of Glory. remembering the tune to a song i've never heard, missing someone i've never met, etc. i guess i just feel so disconnected from everything right now. i was at a dinner last night w/some friends, and although we were all talking to each other and having a good time, i still felt like my words were hitting a wall, and i'm basically going about my life not being understood by anyone. and i don't mean that in that "woe is me, nobody will ever understand me" kind of way. it's more of just that deep knowing. i desire to be known so badly. that somewhere, someone actually wants to get to know me more than he wants to know anyone else.

and so i find myself doing what i always do. staring out the window. always staring out the window. separated from the world by a pane of glass. i think about the secret things. the kind of things i'm saving up to talk about with someone special. the kind of things where you find yourself in a conversation with someone and both your eyes light up as if to say, "oh, you, too?"

still, i'm excited about life. i know today is just a day, and tomorrow will be different. the inconsolable longing is always staring me down, waiting for me on the other side of the window. i won't be staring out windows forever...someday..someday soon i'll be out there in the world, living.


- liz r. - 8/1/2002

7/30/2002
sometimes i think if there was one thing that i wish i could do that i know i'll probably never be able to do, is sing. i wish i had a great singing voice. i mean, the one i have isn't "bad", but there's just nothing spectacular about it. people i wish i could sing like: bjork, karen from over the rhine, rosie thomas, or jewel. those are some amazing voices. maybe if i took voice lessons i could get a voice worth listening to. hmmm. i wonder if they'd really help me that much.

i watched amelie again yesterday. what a lovely movie.

sometimes i'm amazed about how much i can talk about grace, and still not show it to so many people b/c i don't think they deserve it. nobody deserves grace. grace exists b/c we don't deserve it. i see people who are so into their little christian worlds of rules and regulations and they make me so upset and yet, they need grace as much as me. i myself could never change their minds or open their hearts...but the grace of God can. i think it's crazy how we cry out to be "accepted" by these people, and yet we can't accept them. one of my favorite people in the world probably still thinks that any form of alcohol is bad, will never use a cuss word in his life, or listen to "secular" music. and i can still know that this person is for real and has a relationship w/God that's just different from mine. he's my brother in Christ and just b/c we don't agree on certain things doesn't make either one of us better or worse than the other.

i guess i'm just learning that all the fighting isn't worth it. i just want to be able to approach people i know i disagree with, with an attitude of acceptance. a long time ago, God showed me that by me just being myself and not trying to change people out of my own strength was the only thing that really could help change anyone. and he showed me in a pretty amazing way that i won't forget. well, sometimes i forget, but today i've remembered. the world will know us by our love...we have such a terribly long way to go. but i'm going.


- liz r. - 7/30/2002

7/29/2002
a whiny note about telemarketers: (hey, i used to be one for two months, so all my complaining is justified.) the only thing a telemarketer has going for him is his voice. (i'm using 'he' b/c it's easier right now. and the one i talked to today was a man.) if you can't make your voice be understood, well...do you really have much hope to make a decent telemarketer? not really. mumbling and putting a few "ma'am"s in there just doesn't work for me. if i can understand you, i might listen to you. otherwise, find a new job. ok, i'll stop whining now.


- liz r. - 7/29/2002

7/28/2002
yeah. so i've been thinking that i'm really prideful. b/c lately i've been noticing how jealous i get of people. and how that's a sign that i think i'm somehow more deserving than them. like, if i can't have something, than neither should anyone else. what's my problem? sheesh. i wish i could just be happy for people. but no...instead i want to be the smartest, prettiest, most interesting woman alive. *sigh* actually...it's more that i want to be smarter, prettier, and more interesting...b/c if i was the best...there would be no more competition. yarr, i hate competition. and yet i get sucked into it just like everyone else. perhaps now that i'm noticing it, God will come in and help me do something about it. because this is getting ridiculous.


- liz r. - 7/28/2002


a poem by Lindord Detweiller of Over the Rhine: "The Gospel According to Helena"

Damn
She loves to write
She knows she may not even be that good
What does it mean when somebody
Loves to do something
So much
She
Doesn't care
Whether or not
It makes any sense to the world

What does it mean when somebody
Does something just because
It makes her feel more alive

What does it mean when somebody
Does something just because
It opens her eyes

What does it mean when somebody
Does something just because
She's missing God

And knows she always will

***

I think the name Helena should be changed to Liz.


- liz r. - 7/28/2002


this might be slightly random in nature today. today is a good day. nothing spectacular about it. it just has a good feeling to it. it's a lazy sunday. i'm drinking coffee at noon. i'm listening to Linford Detweiller's "Grey Ghost Stories" cd...lovely piano music most of it. some guitar. no words. the best coffee house music ever.


- liz r. - 7/28/2002