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Through My Eyes: A Journal
By Liz Root
Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com
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8/15/2002
something my friend jason (www.opuszine.com) wrote on his blog the other day kinda hit me pretty hard. and it's not that it's new to me...but i think i just needed to hear it more than ever due to recent events. he said, "it seems to me that one aspect of Faith is a perpetual sense of homesickness. And one aspect of life is burying that sense beneath a thousand other things, or at least trying to." yup.
i just am beginning to wonder all the ways i've been burying my sense of homesickness. while attempting to get as much out of life as possible, am i forgetting about the life to come? do i really believe in the life anyway? eternity is beyond the scope of my understanding, and frequently, i have something close to a panic attack when i try to understand it. my brain doesn't understand the concept of there not being such a thing as time. so i tried to think of moments when i've tasted "eternity" and it seemed they were all times when i was with the people i love or making new friends, talking into the wee hours of the morning about anything and everything.
and then i began to realize that i think my greatest fear in life is that i will end up alone. i think that's everyone's biggest fear, not just mine. so i know i'm not alone in my aloneness. but also, i realized that it's our natural human tendency to shut off from people. after our first heartbreak or first real rejection, we decide that it would be better to put the world at arms length rather than be hurt again. thus guaranteeing being alone. i don't want to do this anymore. i need to be free to have my heart broken again, to be rejected again...because at least i'll be feeling *something.* it's better than this numb feeling i go about my days with. the "little yellow pills" so to speak. i watched American Beauty again last week, and although it's not my favorite movie in the world...those lines about there being so much beauty in the world and not knowing how to take it, i don't know...i think we all understand how that feels. how do we go about life with all its pain and suffering and joy and happiness, and then compare it to the beauty we see? the sunset last night about broke my heart it was so breathtaking. i read a quote somewhere about God being "so gloriously wasteful" with his sunsets and sunrises. but doesn't it break your heart to see the sunset and not be able to be a part of it? doesn't it break your heart to drive through the mountains and not want to know every little nook and cranny of them?
c.s. lewis says to remember the fairytales. that it's no coincidence that the poets acted as though people could become one with nature. we're living on the other side right now...and we're all furiously beating upon the door, begging to be let IN. we might not know it, but we are. when i buy something that satisfies me for the moment, day, maybe even a month, it's only my desire to be let in on the big secret. all these distractions are only painkillers. and i'm addicted.
- liz r.
- 8/15/2002
8/14/2002
i'm just not sure if i should keep hoping for this. or if i should face reality. or if maybe i'm just struggling with faith. i don't know. i really don't. i wish i knew where the line was between having faith for something and just facing reality. do i hold out for the things that seem too good to be true? i don't want to settle i know that...but everything seems so unrealistic sometimes. but i guess that's why we're supposed to walk in faith? *sigh* i'm talking in circles.
everything is so out of reach. (and reaching is the problem.)
- liz r.
- 8/14/2002
8/12/2002
conviction. i lack holiness. i lack the fear of the Lord. i want to envelope myself in grace, however...grace doesn't mean much when i willingly choose to subject myself to sin and become unwilling to listen to the Lord. i don't want to be someone who's always looking for sin and ways to avoid it...that's not my desire. but i want a soft heart. i don't want to compromise. i want to behold both the kindness and the severity of the Lord. gah...i don't know what to say.
- liz r.
- 8/12/2002
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