Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

Click here for weekly archives

9/5/2002
you know...it's nice to have goals. things to look forward to. it's been awhile.


- liz r. - 9/5/2002

9/3/2002
do you ever have those days where the past haunts you? and not the bad things about your past...but like, the good things. today i woke up in Charlotte and my friends and i drove back here, and during that drive home all i could think about was how much i miss Omaha and Charlotte and all these ideas went through my head that i should just go back to these places. find a way to live there. and it sucks because i know if i actually carried out these plans, that I'd be miserable. things would never be the way i left them. if i went back to charlotte, i'd have like, one good friend, who's married and probably moving soon. and omaha, well...as much as i miss it, i know it's not where i'm supposed to be.

but i think i only miss these places because of the innocence they carried. the youth i left there. i'm 22, and by no means am i "old" or even close. i mean, i'm still 18 years away from even being 40. but that's the thing. tomorrow i'll wake up and i'll be 40. and there's nothing wrong with being 40. but it's like, i'm coming to terms with the fact that "youth" is such a small portion of our lives...and it's like we try so hard to keep it as long as we possibly can. we spend our youth wishing we were older and when we get older we wish we were young. i don't understand.

there are so many questions right now. so many many things i don't understand. i keep trying to arrange my life and i wonder why i get in these "deep blue funks". i wonder what the key to contentment is. you know...the whole being content in whatever situation we find ourselves in. especially spending the day in charlotte yesterday...it's a city of money. money money money, wherever you go. everything is extravagent and contemporary. everything is brand new. it makes me want to be rich and drive the nice car and have the perfect house with the perfectly groomed family. and it's like...who do i think i'm kidding? i know the true parts of me don't want those things. if i make a lot of money in my life, fine...but i don't want it to be my end goal.

i guess i just don't know what i want. i want what the world tells me I should want, and i'm tired of thinking that way. i'm tired of being so out of touch with myself that i surrender who i am to the will of others.


- liz r. - 9/3/2002

9/2/2002
ok...tomorrow came and went didn't it?

OKAY. so. i've basically gone thru my own personal hell the last two weeks or so, and i'm kind of coming out of that. i don't think i'll go into details. this has been a good weekend. nice and long with lots of food and friends and a couple trips to Charlotte.

hmmm...what to talk about? i feel like i should make up for all the writing i havne't done in the last week. the following lines are words from a song by Joel Simmons, and these songs are copywrited, so please don't steal these lyrics. anyway...these are words that really spoke to me during church Friday night up in Charlotte. "I will not be discouraged, I will let my spirit roar, high above my circumstances, high above the constant roar." they make more sense when you know what i was going thru.

how about i just say this. sometimes we go from being at a really good place in life, and a week later all vision and motivation to go on is gone. it happens without us noticing it most times. and it always takes longer to get back to the good place than it took to get us to get to that place of hopelessness. i think the problem is that i don't have enough good distraction in my life. ya know, like a full time job, or at least some place to help out. anyway...i can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, whereas before i couldn't. so i'm getting there, hope has been restored, even if things still seem far away.


- liz r. - 9/2/2002