Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

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9/12/2002
eternity hits me and i can barely breathe. my chest tightens up, my heart begins to beat quickly, and i become nauseated. i try to get eternity to fit into my mind, and this is the reaction that takes place inside of me each time. somehow i need to find a way to either quit thinking about it, or to just figure a way to calm myself. these panic attacks last a few minutes, and often i find myself in the bathroom, washing my face or taking a shower...something to distract me.

i wonder why i get so afraid. i think the concept of "forever" scares everyone if they really think about it. and i know i've discussed eternity here before, but i really don't think we as humans will ever be able to understand eternity very well on this side of it. how can we really understand what it means to live outside the confines of time? time is part of our identity. i am 22 years old and it seems each day lately, i've been realizing that from now on, the body is breaking down instead of growing. no more inches to grow, nothing more to develop...physically speaking. from here on out, it's pure maintenance, and i think about the day i'll be 80...and i think about how that's not far away and how "it isn't enough time." there's that "time" word again. we all complain that there's not enough of it, and yet i'm probably more scared by it than anything else.

every so often God speaks with words of comfort...words that only my heart can understand. he brings to my memory the really good times of life. the times i wish would last forever. the conversations with friends. these are my glimpses of eternity.

and i wonder about this world. about how i often feel close to God in the darkest of places, where the light shines brighter. why i feel more at home in a smoky bar or club with my favorite band playing, than in my own bedroom. i wonder about these things i chase after. these things i surround myself with. i look at life and begin to realize the gift that has been given to me, and that i'm not being a very good steward of this gift. i wonder how significant life on earth is, and the purpose of it in the grand scheme of things.

i look out my bedroom window on the second floor of an old brick building downtown, and feel separated from the world. i see people and realize how selfish i really am. to me, people have either become a means to get what i want, or obstacles in the way of what i want. this is no way to live. at what point did i become so closed? so gated? i am the master builder of the walls around me, that i often don't see. but others see.

i hope grace finds me. i know it already has in the form of Jesus' death and ressurrection, which is all the grace anyone will ever need. it's that grace i hope somehow manifests itself in my life, and suprises me. i hope someday to be someone who is called compassionate. because i know it will be a work of God and not of my own will.

i feel held back. i suppose that's not an abnormal feeling. i feel there's more i should be doing to get to where i need to be. i'm sure there is. i wish i knew where to start. too many times i try to give myself pep talks. more and more lately i've been realizing once again that i haven't a clue who i am anymore. and i think it's because i'm still terribly insecure about who i am in Christ, and in His great purposes for me. I feel 100% inadequate to accomplish the things i know will be asked of me. though i know His power is made perfect in my weakness, i still wonder why God chooses to use such messes.

because i am a mess. always on the verge, never breaking through. so it seems. there's a quote i heard a few months back that i'll probably get wrong, but it goes something like, "a million bones lie at the threshold of victory by people who quit one step too soon." i don't want to be those bones. so i say to my spirit, rise up!



- liz r. - 9/12/2002

9/11/2002
sometimes i find myself in a place where i know i need to change, and i know what i need to change, in order to move onto whatever's next in life...but sometimes things just seem impossible. or maybe i'm just lazy. and i don't know where to begin really. i think i just have too much time on my hands.


- liz r. - 9/11/2002

9/9/2002
i really wish i had the internet at my apartment, or at least somewhere it's readily available. but i don't. alas, sparse entries without much content.

so, september 11th is two days away. i'm not really sure how i feel. so much has changed in the last year with everything...but especially just me. i've realized that i'm not particularly patriotic. i mean, i was devistated a year ago, and i'm sure i'll find some way to remember the day. but i'm sick of the mentality that the U.S. is somehow "the best country in the world". i've realized that a lot of my identity is based on this country. i suppose that's natural, being that i grew up here. but i wonder who i'd be and what i'd think if i ever got out of the country long enough to look at it differently. i'm not ashamed to be american or anything, but i guess it seems like the country is having an identity crisis. i'm sure that's nothing new, and every other country in the world has had to reinvent themselves, too. i guess it's just that america is a pretty young country in comparison to the rest of the world, with a pretty different system of government, and well...i don't know what i'm trying to say. i guess i'm your typical american in that i enjoy living here for the most part, and beyond that, i don't think about it much. but lately i've been realizing that i probably won't live in america for my whole life. and that's exciting.


- liz r. - 9/9/2002