Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

Click here for weekly archives

7/24/2003
life here has no definitions. i'm having a difficult time adjusting, and i think it's because there's no cushion, no accountability. this is a good thing, but it's extremely challenging for me. i'm learning what it means to live in the world as a Christian, really and truly "in the world." i'm finding myself at places i never would have gone two or three years ago, and even while i'm there, i feel extremely disconnected. i'm an observer. yet i don't feel uncomfortable, or like i don't belong. it's hard to explain, and it's too late to try. goodnight.
- liz r. - 7/24/2003

7/21/2003
there's a K-Swiss shoes commercial on t.v. right now, and it reminds me of the 7th grade, where basically everyone was wearing those white canvas k-swiss shoes, and you weren't cool unless you had them. it was 7th grade, so of course i was pretty interested in fitting in, yet i still wanted to do it in my own way. i went and bought a pair of k-swiss shoes with babysitting money, except i bought black ones. later on that year, i bought red ones. i still didn't fit in. i think back to that time in my life and how badly i wanted to be accepted by the people i considered popular. about a year later, i finally realized that wasn't what i really wanted, and so by the middle of the 8th grade, i knew i didn't want any part of game of popularity.

but in many ways, the desire to be accepted by the "in" crowd sneaks back up on you, even years after high school. you kind of find your scene, and you see the people who seem like the popular kids, and you try to impress them, try to wear the clothes, show the right amount of interest or lack thereof, and so on. however...even with all the desire to be accepted, one day you realize that the real friends you have are much cooler than any kind of status you may gain from knowing the right people.

anyway...i'm not really sure what i was going with this, because i got distracted by VH1's "I Love the 80's" (1982).
- liz r. - 7/21/2003


so i think i'm going to start posting in this thing again. i wish i had some more artistic, eloquent way of saying that, but i don't. and there you have it.

so i live in omaha again. i moved back almost a month ago. i've got quite a few thoughts about the whole thing which i actually probably won't post here. in fact, i dont' even know what i want to post here. it kind of seems overwhelming at the thought, because i kind of feel like maybe i should catch everyone up on what i've been doing and thinking the last few months. but i don't have the energy or attention span for that, and so i suppose it's just not going to happen.

***

this morning i went to church. it's the same one i visited last week, and i think i'll probably start going to it regularly. church is kind of a weird place, no matter what church you go to. annie dillard, my favorite author, has some thoughts that i'd have to say i agree with. here they are:

"A high school stage play is more polished than this service we have been rehearsing since the year one. In two thousans years, we have not worked out the kinks. We positively glorify them. Week after week we witness the same miracle: that God is so mighty he can stifle his own laughter. Week after week, we witness the same miracle: that God, for reasons unfathomable, refrains from blowing our dancing bear act to smithereens. Week after week Christ washes the disciples' dirty feet, handles their very toes, and repeats, It is all right -- believe it or not -- to be people. Who can believe it?"

and...

"On the whole, I do not find Christians, outside of the catacombs, sufficiently sensible of conditions. Does anyone have the foggiest idea what sort of power we so blithely invoke? Or, as i suspect, does no one believe a word of it? The churches are children playing on the floor with their chemistry sets, mixing up a batch of TNT to kill a Sunday Morning. it is madness to wear ladies' straw hats and velvet hats to church; we should all be wearing crash helmets. Ushers should issue life preservers and signal flares; they should lash us to our pews. For the sleeping god may wake someday and take offense, or the waking god may draw us out to where we can never return."

so i don't know. i do know that i'm going to church, which is a good thing. even if i don't always like the format...it's good for me to stretch myself a little, make myself go out of my "comfort zone", etc.

***

a couple of random thoughts:

-while i still feel like a nomadic person, i'm realizing that a lot of my wandering ways are a symptom of feeling like i'm not accomplishing anything with my life. i always feel like if i'm on the go, traveling, or relocating to somewhere new and exciting, that i'll feel like i'm doing something important. or at least, that's how i used to feel. i still have the tendency to feel that way at times, but i think i'm finally realizing that i don't have to see everything, hear everything, experience everything in order to feel like an accomplished person.

-it's kind of scary what can happen to people when they don't take the time to think about the decisions they make.

-attraction is a very strange, very difficult to understand thing. fun to analyze, though.

-is analysis really paralysis?

-have you ever met an ugly scandinavian?

-is it too late for liz to be posting these random thoughts & questions?

yes!

-i miss hartsville. not enough to live there again, but let it be known that i don't take the time i spent there for granted, and i consider it a very important time in my life, perhaps one of the most important.

-kelly mentioned something really interesting to me last night over coffee, and i'm still kind of processing it. i'd mention it, but well...nah.

-i live with two very strange guys. yep, liz lives with guys. what an odd situation. (note: if anybody reading knows what band sang that line "what an odd situation", you win! win what? um...i dunno.)

all right, this has gotten kind of silly. time for me to go read. bon soir.


- liz r. - 7/21/2003