Through My Eyes: A Journal

By Liz Root

Contact Liz by emailing her at liz@vagrantcafe.com

Archives

9/13/2003
the library is an interesting place. for instance, about 20 feet from me, a man is sitting at the listening station with headphones on, and he keeps constantly clearing his throat. which is one of the less pleasant things in life to have to listen to.

anyway. there's a lot of stuff going on in my head, and it's really too early to talk about any of it. but it's exciting, and daunting all at the same time. basically...pretty soon i'm gonna have to make some committments that will require a lot of self-discipline, and will probably alienate me from more people than i already am.

here's what i can tell you. i want to write. i want to be good at it. i want to dive into it. however, i'm afraid of the cost. something i read today stuck out to me, though.

"as i followed Cole's career, he helped me understand one of hte peculiarities of the writing profession: the observer syndrome. writing is an act performed in solitude. i am tempted to call it a psychotic act, for we writers construct an artificial reality that only we inhabit and that often seems more real to us than the other world "out there." after i have holed up for a week on an intensive writing project, i find i must go through something like reentry, having forgotten how to have normal conversation and conduct the subtle negotiations that comprise human contact. i have been shuffling words and ideas around and, difficult as that may be, it is a far more controlled and orderly process than interacting with live human beings. as a result, we writers tend to withdraw, secluding ourselves, observing life without really participating in it." -Philip Yancey "Soul Survivor"
- liz r. - 11:37:50 AM

9/10/2003
something tells me we're at the end of something. maybe you feel it, too. maybe it's just the approach of autumn. but something tells me that "it's a late time to be living." (annie dillard)

"oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!" -Isaiah 64:1

whatever this unshakable feeling is...i'm tired of fighting. whether it's escape or fulfillment, i don't know. but i'm tired of the wrestling match. so you can just pound your hand three times on the mat because i surrender.
- liz r. - 6:42:42 PM

9/9/2003
i've been thinking a lot lately about contentment. the kind paul spoke of. i really have no idea what it is, or what it takes, but i'm gonna have to learn it i think. it just takes too much energy being discontent all the time. i'm not saying i'm gonna "settle" or anything...but somehow, i need to learn how to have that contentment that sits deep within me that carries me though all the craziness of this world.

- liz r. - 3:17:26 PM

9/7/2003
so i visited my old church today. it wasn't as awful as i thought it might be, but it wasn't great either. i said hi to some people. most of them had no idea i've been living in a different part of the country for the last two and a half years. i don't want to assume that i know what they were thinking, but i got the vibe that their impression is that i've been off with the sex, drugs, and rock n'roll. but at least i told everyone i'd been living elsewhere. i also told them i've been back for two months. i don't know if i'll go back there anymore for awhile...i really haven't a clue. i liked the message this morning, it was definitely applicable. (happiness vs. joy)

i realize i'm going to be pretty discontent nearly everywhere i go, as far as a church is concerned, but i wish it didn't have to be that way. i don't want to be the type of person who just gives up and goes nowhere, but...oh, i don't know. anything i say will sound like me being a whiny baby. maybe i'm too idealistic. somewhere there has to be a church that really just wants to seek God, and provides an environment of honesty and freedom.
- liz r. - 2:24:40 PM


strange things:

last night i think it was, i had a dream about how i was driving around with some friends in the car. we were on the interstate i think. suddenly, i temporarily lost control of the car and was veering off the road, and that's when i realized my left front tired had come off of my car completely, so i somehow pulled my car off the road. end of dream.

tonight: (not a dream) i was pulling onto my street, and there was this car nearly blocking the entire road, and right next to the car was a group of perhaps three people, standing around one of those baby swings. you know, the ones you set up in the living room and stick the baby in so it will stop crying or something. except the baby swing was broken, and they were all just staring at it, pushing it back and forth. i seriously don't have a clue what that was all about. bizarre.


- liz r. - 12:00:08 AM