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I Hate Pennies
The uselessness
of pennies never ceases to amaze me. I think that the country would be better
off without them. For years now, my time to carry on about life's troubles has
been pointlessly delayed because of pennies. From my daily bout in gas stations
where I buy candy bars and 32oz drinks, to the larger span of Walmart where I
purchase magazines, rent videos, and occasionally get a pc game, the pennies are
never a part of the financial current from my end. I never leave for a store with
pennies, I never collect pennies, I never use pennies. I only throw them away.
Because pennies suck. Pennies are nothing more than an aftershock of an over-inflated
economy. I'd much rather play with marbles, or jog around my house, or eat cheese,
or lick fat women's rolls, than spend the hours and time it takes to stack all
the pennies I own into those annoying paper rolls, make sure they're all aligned
right, and then fold the ends so they don't fall out, and then trade in a few
pounds worth of these stacks of pennies to my local bank for what would probably
amount to no more than 3 bucks. What a waste of my time! Here's what I think should
happen with our nation's pennies...
I think that the US Treasury should
do a recall to all the banks in the country and impliment a mandatory requirement
that every individual who uses their bank must submit all the pennies they own
before any other transactions can be legally executed. Then the banks need to
send all these millions of wasted dollars worth of pennies to the US Treasury,
where they would melt them and cast the metal from these pennies into thousands
of copper marbles. Because marbles are cool. Pennies aren't. I'd like to see my
tax dollars go into something that I can actually play with, something I can roll
down a hill or slide into my gun. You can't do things like that with pennies.
The best thing you can do with pennies is try to stack them into those annoying
rolls, which nobody ever cares to do, except for all those 50 year old bald guys
with ponytails who smoke pot and listen to Tom Jones, but they don't have lives
anyway. If they did, they'd be playing with marbles instead of trying to pay their
bills with worthless currency, and they would also be listening to something better
than Tom Jones, but that's beside the point.
Anyway, once these marbles are created from the melted copper, they then need
to be shipped in thousands of boxes back to our nation's banks, where individuals
like myself can load them into the car and bring them home for the children. Then
several million dollars worth of these fresh new marbles need to be rolled down
Pennsylvania Avenue by the truckload, so that our commander-in-chief will heed
our feelings quite well: that pennies suck. Unless of course you
are 50 years old, bald, have a ponytail, and you plan to spend all your penny
rolls on the latest "Tom Jones's Greatest Hits" album because you don't like to
play with marbles. Danno
contact Danno by
emailing him at danno@vagrantcafe.com
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